How grandparents feel about being the go-to childcare

When I turn up at her house, Virginia Taylor, 69, a retired Hamilton kindergarten teacher, has just returned from swimming lessons. Nickson, 3 ½, has damp hair and a post-swim appetite. Taylor opens a packet of crackers. Later she will negotiate a deal with him: if he sits quietly during our interview, he can access her iPad in the playroom. He happily trots off.

Nickson is the youngest of her 11 grandchildren who range in age from 19 to 3 ½. Seven are maternal and four are her second husband Phil’s grandchildren. Phil died four years ago.

While four grandchildren live in Australia, the others live close by. Taylor (who is known variously as ‘Grandma’, ‘Grandma Ginny’ and ‘Ginny’) cares for some regularly and others on an “on-call” basis. She looks after Nickson or his brother or both one day a week, or when the parents’ work boils over or when they just need a break.

“If I have a weekend planned and they ask me to have the children, I will change my plans. They’re only little for a short time.”

She always wanted hands-on involvement.

“When my first husband died, I was 36 with three young children. My parents were actively involved. That was the path I wanted to follow as a grandmother.”

Virgina Taylor is one of tens of thousands of grandparents in New Zealand who help care for their grandchildren while their parents work. On any day, you’ll find them singing nursery rhymes at the public library, pushing swings at playgrounds, waiting for their charges after school and watching ballet lessons. They can also act as ‘stand-in parents’ at school assemblies, concerts and doctor visits.

Waikato University lecturer Caroline Day, whose doctoral research looked at the role of working grandmothers providing childcare for more than 10 hours a week, says grandparents today are more involved in caring for their grandchildren than any previous generation.

She says while there is a lack of recent data in New Zealand, one anecdotal study suggested 41 percent of grandparents under the age of 55 were providing informal care to grandchildren.

Other countries have similar statistics. A UK report in 2023, titled The Grandparent Army, calculated more than half British grandparents spend an average of eight hours a week helping to care for their grandchildren.

An Australian study in 2022 found two in five grandparents with a grandchild under 13 provided childcare. The figure rose to 63 percent if the youngest grandchild was under 10. Figures from Europe suggest 40-65 percent of grandparents are providing regular care for grandchildren.

Day says there are many reasons for the increase.

Increased longevity is one. "That has meant there is greater availability of grandparents to be there for their families."

The cost of childcare is another. Private care is "hugely costly", she says.

"Sometimes 90 percent of a parent's income. While there are childcare subsidies for children over three, there is a shortfall for mothers who want to return to work before the child turns three."

Grandmothers are seen as the natural people to ask because they are reliable, trustworthy and already have a relationship with the grandchild. Grandfathers are also likely to be involved if they are the partner of a grandmother.

For her research, Day, who has eight grandchildren, ranging from 17 to four, interviewed 15 grandmothers.

They gave various reasons for offering to take on childcaring roles. Some remembered the difficulties of being at home with their own young children; others felt their daughters would benefit emotionally, physically and mentally by being in the paid workforce; some said they wanted their daughters to get ahead.

For most, the reason was simple: they enjoy it.

Pam Brown, 66, from Auckland, has looked after her eight-year-old grandson Oscar regularly for six years. Oscar was born in Australia and for the first two years, Brown flew to see him every six weeks. When he was two, the family returned to New Zealand and she adjusted her work hours to free up Fridays so she could have him for a day and overnight.

"I still did a 40-hour week, but over four days. I'd start work at 6.30 and finish at five so I could have that time with him." She also has him three days a week during the school holidays.

One grandmother in her early 70s, who didn’t want to be named, estimates she cares for grandchildren, aged between three and seven for up to 30 hours a week. The youngest has just started childcare three days a week. She looks after her on the other two days. She also looks after the older children after school.

“My daughter is a solo mum. She has a job that requires long hours. I love helping out and the relationship I have with my grandchildren. But, by Fridays, I’m exhausted.”

Zoe Tipa (Kai Tahu and Kahungunu) the chief nurse at Whānau Āwhina Plunket knows how that feels.

Tipa is also the "Taua" (a South Island dialect for grandmother) of a four-year-old grandson, the child of her partner's daughter. He stays with the couple every second weekend.

Tipa says he is the centre of their world when they have him. “Sometimes, when you’re working fulltime, you think, “Have I got more space for this. But then he says, ‘I love you Taua’, I think, this is what it’s all about.”

In her work, Tipa sees a lot of grandmothers helping to care for their mokopuna. “They offer an incredible richness to the life of whanau. There is a practical benefit for parents, but their involvement gives grandchildren a sense of identity and belonging as well as their connection to their whakapapa or genealogy. “

However, she says there are sometimes generational differences that need to be worked through.

“Family members can be very influential and have a lot of mana in the whanau. There may be differences on how to raise the children. Like any relationship, it takes compromise, negotiation and communication, remembering what is important – the little one.”

While many grandparents are retired, others juggle childcare with jobs.

Lee Scanlon co-owns and is chief reporter of the Westport News.Lee officially works four days, but mostly more and sometimes at weekends. ("News never sleeps.")

She and her husband Kevin, 72, have four grandchildren aged between 16 and three. The older ones lives in Wellington but the two youngest, Leo, 3, and Billy, 6, live three minutes’ drive away. “That’s the good thing about Westport. Everyone’s so close.”

She has each of the boys one day a week from 3pm when she finishes work. Billy also spends every Saturday afternoon with them. “Leo has yet to work out that Billy has two Nana and Grandad days!” The couple also babysits regularly.

Kevin also works. Scanlon says, “I like that the grandchildren know Nana and Grandad have other things in their lives.”

She also knows the benefits of having time with grandparents.

“I was brought up by my grandparents. My parents owned a pub and it was felt inappropriate to bring up their daughter there. So I lived close by with my mother’s parents. They had time to spend with me. I was very lucky."

Given the increasing number of grandparents taking up childcare roles, and the benefits to an economy of two working parents, the question arises: should they be paid?

Sweden last year passed a law allowing parents to reallocate some of their paid parental leave to grandparents during their child’s first year to give families more flexibility.

A grandmother I spoke to said a little financial help could help with costs like outings. Others said money would alter the dynamics negatively. “I get my rewards with sticky kisses,” said one.

While grandparents’ role in childcare is mostly appreciated by parents and enjoyed by grandparents, issues can arise. Jill Goldson, director of The Family Matters Centre in Auckland has some advice for families to maintain relationships that are beneficial to all parties.

It begins with good communication and honesty.

“If you feel a tickling of resentment, be open and upfront in discussing it and keep the conversations going so issues don’t escalate. Preface any comments with an acknowledgement of how valuable the relationship is and how much the other person is appreciated.”

When differences arise around parenting styles, diet, treats or screen time she encourages grandparents and parents to listen and respect each other’s views without judgement.

“If grandparents criticise a parenting style, that can make the parent feel like a child again. That may provoke resentment. Likewise, grandparents may feel resentment if their views are dismissed. They may say, ‘you never listened as a child’.”

She says there will always be differences in the relationships between children and grandparents and children and their parents.

“One is about relational wisdom and the other is about primary childcare. The key is to acknowledge those differences.”

Her mantra is to “assess not assume” in every situation. “Have regular check-ins. Say, ‘I know little kids are hard work. Is this still OK’? Likewise, grandparents should be honest about expenses for afterschool snacks, petrol etc.”

If things begin to break down in a serious way, professional help may be needed. “Too many situations where resentment and misunderstandings occur can damage relationships. Children will bear the brunt of that"