How to set boundaries for teens over the summer break

Like everyone else, teenagers want to have fun and feel like they're on holiday when summer comes. They can also push back on routine and expectations and argue that, because there's no school, there should also be no rules.

Gaming all night then crashing until midday doesn't make anyone feel good, says parenting coach and mum-of-three, Kristen Ward. To give some structure to the summer days, she recommends a family meeting when holidays begin, so some clear expectations can be agreed.

"Being on our screens all day and night is not the path to wellbeing or a really good summer," Ward tells RNZ's Nine to Noon.

Gathering for a brainstorm, every family member can chip in with their own ideas for making the summer "epic", Ward says.

"Think of adventures, ideas, hangouts, places to go out of the routine, out of the box, things that they want to do this summer. Then we can just write them all down and have them as a bit of a to-do list and things that we want to try and tick off."

She recommends parents throw in some ideas from Dr Dan Siegel's Healthy Mind Platter of seven daily activities that are essential for our brains.

"We do need to move our bodies every day. We need to socialise in person. We need to help out around the house a little bit. We need to spend some time focusing and practising a skill as well as downtime, which might look like screentime."

Summer - when the weather's nice and there are more free hours - is a good time to allow teens a bit more autonomy than normal and the freedom to take safe risks, Ward says.

While parents want information about what their kid is up to, she says summer can be a good time to say yes to some requests that may feel like they're "pushing you out of our comfort zone a little bit".

Although Ward understands location-sharing apps help parents feel safe, she doesn't believe they actually make teenagers safer, and they can erode trust and communication.

"[Tracking apps] can give the wrong message to our teens that they don't need to communicate with us or be open with us because we can find out anyway.

"I've heard of kids saying that they're having a sleepover at a friend's house, but they've actually just left their phone at their friend's house and then gone out to a party without their phone.

"I'd rather my young person had their phone with them in case they really did need to call for help."

Ward recommends giving teenagers an idea of what it would look like if they reached out to you after messing up somehow.

"We can have those conversations about, you know, 'I would be trying really hard not to be mad if you'd made a mistake' ... 'It's much more important to us to bring you home, keep you safe, and we can talk about it calmly in the morning'."

It's a big ask, Ward says, but even in the relaxed days of summer, it's important parents model the behaviour they want to see in their kids - things like prioritising exercise, getting enough sleep, and not spending every free moment on a phone.

"Your kids watch what you do. Our kids are watching us all the time, unfortunately, and our actions just do speak louder than words, so we really need to pay attention to what we're modelling."

It can be helpful to verbalise how you're managing your own screentime, Ward says.

"[You could say] 'Guys, I've been on my phone too much recently. I know sometimes you can't tell if I'm working or if I'm just scrolling.

"If I'm working, yeah, I still have to be on my phone. But if I'm not working, I'm going to have a bit more protected offline time. I want to spend more time with you."

"The first thing I'd encourage parents to do is to listen to their [teenager's] plan, listen to their idea, hear the details of it.

"When I say listen to their plan, I also mean listen to their feelings about the plan. Why is it important to them? What emotions do they have about going or not going? We want to listen to understand and empathise with that so that our teen really feels heard and that we care about their feelings."

"You have needs, too. You have the need to feel comfortable with the plan that they've got. You have a need not to be spending a crazy amount of money, or you might have a need for them to come home by a certain time."

"Can we both get our needs met, or are they incompatible? Can an adjustment be made to the teenager's plan so that we can say yes? If it's possible, yay, woohoo, everyone's happy. If it's not possible, we can regretfully give our no.

"There's no guarantee that they're not going to be really cross with you. But the thing is, your tone has been kind. You've been firm, but you've not been damaging to the relationship."