I don't like my kid's friends - what should I do?

So you’ve got that ick feeling when it comes to one of your kid’s friends.

Maybe that friend is ever so slightly a bully during playdates. Maybe that person brings out the worst in your child. Or perhaps there is a clash of values between that family and yours. And then there is that age-old fear of peer pressure: when that kid is up to no good, and you’re worried your child might follow suit.

The influence of friends in your child’s life will grow over time. Good friendships can act as a guard against mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. However, bad friendships can have the opposite effect, especially as children develop into teenagers.

That’s why gently steering your child towards quality friendships - and away from problematic ones - is something a parent should consider if they are noticing red flags, says parenting coach Justine Lamont.

“I think it's really important that parents do trust themselves," she says.

“A big part of this is if you've got that gut feeling that this is not a good look, you're definitely going to pay attention to that.”

Emily Legg, a Tauranga-based parenting coach, encourages parents to write down what they are seeing to better understand what they find upsetting.

“... if we actually stop and we say, ‘Okay, what is actually happening? What are the facts here?' And actually start writing some things down so that we’re a bit clearer.

“When we know our values, we’ll be a bit more understanding of what it’s upsetting us.”

Hosting playdates is a good way to observe how a friendship is playing out, Legg adds.

“You can control how much outside of school they hang out together.

“If you are all hanging out together, be very present because the more you are in their world, the more you know what is going on.”

That way, if you choose to address it with the school or the parent of the child, you are clear on what you are asking and wanting.

“I would encourage parents, if you have more serious concerns about what is going on, always approach the school,” says Caitlin Hocken, a parenting coach with Child Wise, a New Plymouth-based service.

“Most principals and teachers want to know what is going on.”

When children are young, we have more control over their friendships when it comes to who they play with outside of school. That changes around intermediate school, where their amount of freedom increases. That’s when you should be wary of your own desire to dictate rules around your kids' friendships, especially when they are teenagers driving for individuation, says Hocken.

“Coming down with hard and strict diktats that 'no, you're not allowed to see that friend' is really going to backfire.”

Instead, parents should remain curious about what their own child thinks and feels about the relationship with their friend.

“So things like just asking questions [and] letting them know what you've noticed in a really non-judgmental way,”

A difficult situation where a friend isn’t treating your child well can be a "gift" when it comes to your child learning to navigate the wider world, says Lamont.

“...what we really want to do is talk to them to help them understand, ‘Well, how would you like things to be going with your friends? How would you like to be treated? Or what would you expect from a friend?'

“You’re helping them make their own decisions.”

Parents can help open their child’s mind to other potential friendships, says Legg.

“Who is on the margins here? Who have you smiled at at school, hung out or played rugby with just one or two times, but with whom you could actually go back and develop more of a friendship with?

At the same time, parents can overly focus on their kid’s popularity, says Hocken.

“...a lot of parents get concerned about their kids not having friendship early on, or say not having a lot of play dates, or you see people pushing for lots of playdates and lots of friends...

“...They don’t matter as much as fostering the connection they have with you.”

If you need to rebuild that connection with your kids, Hocken suggests following a key from the book Hold On to Your Kids by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld. The book presents a theory that kids will gravitate heavily towards peers if the connection with their primary caregiver is broken or difficult. One of their keys is taking your child away on a family vacation where they don’t have contact with friends and parents use that time to rebuild the connection.

“When things have gotten that bad, that is usually what’s at the root of the issue, that they’re starting to just attach to their peers and draw their influence from their peers rather than their parents.”