'Men were supposed to be tough' - a gay dad's struggle with postnatal depression

Because he thought only women experienced depression in new parenthood, writer and podcaster Sean Szeps "just buried" the signs of it that mounted up after the birth of his twins.

But the day after a particularly "scary" night, the Sydney-based American went to the doctor and was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

"The doctor was looking me directly in the eyes and going, 'This is uncharted territory for me too,' which makes you feel even worse," he tells RNZ's Saturday Morning.

Because Szeps grew up around a lot of other children and had studied child psychology, he expected he was going to "nail" parenting.

"I really just went in thinking, How hard could it be?"

He wasn't aware that new parents of any gender can struggle with their mental health.

"I thought 'You're just a guy. You didn't carry children. You're not breastfeeding. What do you have to complain about?'"

Szeps now thinks it's "really dangerous" that new male parents aren't seen to be at risk of a mental health crash.

"Anyone who is taking care of a child needs to be really mindful of the thoughts that are going on in their head and how they can best provide care for their children."

Szeps's generation and above were taught from a young age that "no matter your sexuality, men are supposed to be tough and strong".

But if you don't want to get up in the morning and are having negative thoughts, he says it's time to "raise your hand".

"If you're not comfortable raising your hand, then it is the job of the partner who has agreed to be with you on this complicated journey to raise your hand for you."

Szeps writes about the challenges of being a gay father - and the expectation that mothers will be the dominant force in care giving - in the memoir Not Like Other Dads.

As often the only male in parenting groups, he didn't feel welcome.

"I have a more feminine, flamboyant flair in the clothes that I wear, so I think there was an expectation that I was the babysitter or maybe the nanny."

In these groups, people tend to latch onto others they already know and fall into the trap of "you look like me. We look the same. Let's interact", Szeps says.

"I think the most difficult part of parenting is other parents."

When you're the solo dad or a queer parent, he says, you have to be bold enough to introduce yourself and then work extra hard for acceptance.

"Everyone is used to a certain thing. They're not used to coming across a gay dad at a parenting meetup or a drop off or at the playground because there aren't many of us."

Looking back at his first two years as a parent, Szeps wishes he had "done a better job" of just sharing his story with people.

"When I did, people were so accepting and open. It was just that they didn't know."

As a gay parent, you have to be the "boldest version of yourself", he says.

"We don't need to lie. We don't need to fake our way through the journey to find parents just like us."

Now Szeps is less worried about what other adults think and more focused on setting a stage for his children to be accepted by and accepting of people with different lifestyles.

"I'm going to tell my story so that when little kids grow up, they're more empathetic and sympathetic when they come across families like ours."

Parenting is a lot of pressure with sometimes thousands of micro decisions in a day, and a juggle of work, friendships, an online presence and "what we look like", Szeps says. And then there's preparing your children to be the adults of the future.

His number-one parenting tip is to "lean into the silly" - laughing when we can and finding other people who can laugh with you.

"If we can think of parenting like an amusement park or a roller coaster ride and kind of embrace the ups and downs, we're going to be more successful.

"Finding a group of friends who you can laugh with about how hard parenting is once a week over a cheeky wine - amazing.

"You have to learn to go easy on yourself through this experience. If you don't figure that out, it's a rough road."