Sonia Gray opens up on being in psychedelic drug trials

Broadcaster Sonia Gray has been trialling psychedelic drugs, as part of clinical studies, to help bring her some peace from an unwelcome companion that’s been by her side since she was a baby - anxiety.

The No Such Thing as Normal podcast host was on a mission to find out if the drugs could offer better treatment options for New Zealand’s worsening mental health crisis as part of a two-part documentary, Mind Menders.

"I've always been an advocate for mental health causes and I was kind of at a point where I was like, I don't know what to say to people ... [asking] 'what would you do for anxiety? Depression?' All the things. I was like, I don't know, because I actually haven't been about to fix myself despite decades of trying and many, many medications."

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Gray proved to be a perfect candidate for the studies - an eight-week LSD microdosing trial at the University of Auckland and a University of Otago trial on ketamine investigating if psychedelics can help people with treatment-resistant mood disorders.

“I can’t believe I’m still talking about this, and I hate talking about this, but I’ve done all the things, all the therapies, been on all the different medications. Some of them have saved my life, but every day is still hard, really hard,” Gray says in the documentary, after getting emotional while looking at her mental health campaign from 25 years ago for the first time.

Through filming, she was also able to trace when her mother started to notice symptoms of anxiety – at the age of 21 months – and recalls wanting to jump off a Ferris wheel in a panic at the age of 5.

“When you've got a lot [of stimulus for a highly sensitive person] coming in like that, especially when you're little, and you can't process it then it's almost like it gets held in your body.

“What I've learned about that, and actually I think partly that this whole experience has helped, is that you can change your thoughts, but your body is still two or seven and it's still going to react in that way.”

Researchers are testing whether psychedelics, at the right dosage and setting, can produce changes in brain activity which may help a person's mental state.

Gray, who was diagnosed with ADHD in 2017, says it was uncomfortable to recount her mental health struggles on screen and watch the edits. But she was excited to be part of something that could offer hope to those, who like her, tried to fit in a world not designed for them or had their hopes dashed by therapy that didn’t work for them.

However, the mental health advocate believes - even if we had more therapy options - the alarming statistics will remain the same without a shift in society.

“I think if we're talking about any sort of therapy like psychedelics, or SSRIs [type of antidepressant], or anything - how have we got to this point where we need them?

“I do really feel that there is a stress – and it's not just about your brain wiring, you know, culturally we expect people just to fit in and forget about their own culture and gender diversity and all these things - that you can't see inside someone’s brain, but they're carrying the weight of … being different and not belonging. And it's hardly surprising that we have these terrible statistics.”

Gray is all too aware of the desperation of wanting to find an answer, but she is careful not to undermine the risks of the drugs. So she takes onboard a range of views from proponents of psychedelic therapy to academics and Kiwis who have used the drugs recreationally.

“It was a humbling experience because I just didn't know. I knew I thought drugs are bad, but I've never thought why.

“I am really curious by nature and the idea of doing something a little bit rebellious and something that I knew nothing about but could potentially be a game changer in some way was really exciting, so I just wanted to fill my own kete, I guess, with knowledge and connect how does this work with that.”

Gray says the opportunity came at the right time, but about halfway through her LSD trial she suffered burnout from 80-hour work weeks.

"I think people were like 'oh, but how can you be burnt out? Well, obviously the LSD or whatever isn't working'. It would be weird if a microdose of LSD could stave off burnout, like you wouldn't want to take something that was that potent."

While she says in the documentary it’s possible the drugs helped her not “completely go down”, Suresh Muthukumaraswamy, who is leading the University of Auckland study, advises caution not to ascribe any gains or losses to the drugs alone.

Since the filming, Gray has tried different ketamine formulations in a clinical setting, which have helped her make sense of her past experiences, feelings and thoughts.

“But it's not something that I would want to do long term…

“I am really excited about the future for psychedelic therapy in general. I really do feel like there's a place for it. It is something that personally I'd like to explore more at a later time.”

Mind Menders premieres on Sky Open on Sunday 8 June at 8.30pm.