What do you do if your child is a bully?

American researcher and professor of psychology Elizabeth Englander says denial or shame won't help your child if you find out they are a bully.

The executive director of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center says "zero tolerance" messages are also not helpful because they're vague and rely on the idea that adults can always recognise bullying when it happens — which isn’t true.

"You cannot zero tolerance your way out of a bullying problem," she says.

Bullying used to be more physical and rarely involve girls, Englander says, but that's changed over the past few decades.

Nowadays, it's more common through “gateway behaviours” – psychological ways of repeatedly expressing contempt for someone, she says.

“Let's say you give an opinion during class, the teacher calls on you, asks your opinion. Anytime you open your mouth, the bully or their friends roll their eyes and sort of smirk at how dumb you sound. They ignore you when you're talking like you're invisible,” she told Afternoons.

“Individually, these behaviours seem very minor and inconsequential. They become important when they happen frequently… and they begin to change how that environment feels.”

Over time, even small gestures can add up and turn school into a place that feels hostile — like "the lion’s den", as Englander puts it.

With social media, anyone can become a target at any time, and there's often less immediate repercussions because it’s done behind screens, Englander says.

However, Englander warns against jumping to conclusions.

“Don't look at the words. Look at the tone. Look at the context. Ask who these people are. Is this somebody you're friends with? Is this somebody you've had problems with?"

"Somebody could seem to be sugary sweet online, but if that comment… is coming from somebody who's been targeting you in math class every day, that's a threat. That's not a compliment."

Don’t rush in with labels like "bully". That can put them on the defensive and make it harder to get through to them, Englander says.

She conducted a study of more than 2000 teens and found 62 percent of those who admitted to bullying gave excuses like:

But it's safe to say bullying is never excusable — no matter what your child tells you, Englander says.

"There is a certain amount of sort of confusion between the idea of sticking up for yourself versus the idea of being really cruel to somebody who can't defend themselves over and over again."

Children who bully are still kids. So the adults around them need to help them understand why what they did was wrong and how they'll help them to stop acting that way, Englander says.

Englander recommends exploring what’s driving the behaviour. Research shows emotional struggles significantly increase the chances of a child being involved in bullying (as a perpetrator or a target or both).

“For example, children can do this kind of behaviour because they're depressed, because they're anxious, because they're worried that they themselves will be targets.

"They can do it because they have anger management problems. They can do it because things in their life are really difficult right now, maybe their family is splitting up, or maybe they're being abused, or maybe bad things are happening to them online.”

Forcing an apology can backfire because it can turn into a threat, she says.

"One of the things that kids tell us is when adults make bullies apologise… is that it was a big mistake to talk to the adults."

If your child offers excuses, she advises acknowledging their feelings — but make it clear that doesn't justify harmful actions. Set appropriate consequences, and where possible, involve your child in repairing the harm they’ve caused.

“If your child doesn't seem to be able to do this, if they still seem very disturbed, if they're very depressed or very angry, I would say go to the paediatrician and get a referral for that child, because that's a child who is calling out, who's screaming out for help.”

Think about the support systems your child has in place. Do they have a teacher or school counsellor or a close friend who can help them navigate tough emotions during the school day?

Help them find a healthy outlet to cope with their emotions, instead of lashing out at others.