Ditching the dating apps? How to meet people in real life

There are reports Gen Z (or the ‘digital generation’) are ditching dating apps and choosing to find love the old school way – in person. But they don't know how.

Folks who have walked this path know the awkwardness, embarrassment and painful rejection one must endure to find a spark.

So what’s the best way to find a romantic partner? How do we dust off rusty social skills? And will we see a return of cheesy chat-up lines?

Sex and relationship therapist Jo Robertson says more people these days start panicking at the slightest sign of rejection in social situations.

Actor and comedian Kura Forrester has explored the realities of modern dating in the docuseries Bryn and Ku's Singles Club. She says it’s normal to be petrified, but ask yourself, ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’.

Comedian Henry Cheung says he’s been rejected “a million times” before. Be realistic, you will get turned down at some point.

“You can’t not make a fool of yourself until you’ve tried it a few times… even in comedy, we do crowd work. We talk to people, we try to find interesting things about them, we try to make a bit of humour, try to connect with people, it’s our job onstage, but it doesn’t work all the time. That doesn’t mean you don’t try.”

Taupō dance instructor Julian Bishop quit dating apps and websites about 10 years ago when he got sick of the trolling. Instead, he’s holding a mix and mingle event in town later this month.

With speed dating, you don’t have to worry if someone is available or not, and you can easily ask to be matched with whoever catches your eye, he says.

“There are no filters. It's real people making real connections. And look, the thing is it's still really, really scary for people, and so they might not be being their authentic self at the time, but they're a lot closer to it [than using dating apps].”

Forrester was advised during her docuseries to join clubs or hobby groups, but she notes you can’t force an interest.

“I think the biggest part about dating is being authentic … So if you're suddenly faking being in a club for the sake of it, I don't really think that would work. However, it is always a good idea to sort of broaden your horizons a little bit.”

Robertson says there’s a new phenomenon of run clubs essentially becoming dating clubs. “The fact that you might be able to meet 20 people that you’ve never interacted with before sounds really good.”

She recommends saying ‘yes’ more often to invitations – whether it’s grabbing a drink with friends, going to a concert or doing an activity.

Award-winning maitre d' Davey McDonald, of Wellington restaurant Ortega Fish Shack, says he knows of a couple that met at the bar while sitting just a few metres apart from each other. Much of his job is about keeping that spark alive between people, he says, so a bar or restaurant isn’t a bad place to start.

Tell your friends to keep an eye out for potential dates for you – and get them to leave the phone number in your hands so you’re in control, Forrester says.

While Robertson reckons it’s not worth using chat-up lines, Cheung says it may work for those with a knack for it.

For example, McDonald’s friend is prolific for cheesy lines, but “he does it with enough confidence that if it flops in his face, he generally has a good laugh about it with the person he’s been trying it on with”.

You can gauge if someone is up for a chat by making eye contact and seeing if they respond or smile back, McDonald says.

Start with small talk (ask them how they’re doing, what they’re up to, see if there’s common ground) before moving on to the bigger stuff, he says.

If you’re not comfy with directly asking about their relationship status or life, Cheung’s approach is to gradually tease information out and build a picture.

“You will get a sense [of whether] somebody is hesitant or happy to share the information. If you ask about their family and they give you like three words, maybe don't ask anymore.

“But also ask yourself a question like, why do you want to know this? Is that going to help you connect with this person more, or are you just trying to pry?”

And own your nerves – vulnerability can be endearing, Robertson says.

“You can say out loud, ‘I’m feeling really nervous’, or ‘does this feel awkward to you?’ or ‘I’ve never done this before’, or ‘I’m trying to put myself out there a bit, sorry if I come across a bit clunky’ or whatever it is.”

Ask a friend about your talking habits so you’re not overindulging with too much information or shutting down (in which case you should be prepared with go-to questions).

To keep the conversation flowing, use your surroundings (e.g. at a cafe or bar, ask what they're drinking) and give affirmations like “oh, that’s really interesting” or “I’d love to know more about that”, she says.

Forrester recommends giving people two chances before turning your back on them - often they’re just nervous the first time.

“Now if they say something deeply offensive, it’s okay, run away, that’s all right,” Robertson adds.

McDonald says the onus is also on the pursuer to know when things aren’t going well.

“If you're on the other end of it, you need to be confident enough to be like, ‘hey, it was great chatting to you, but I've got to go’ or ‘I've got to make a phone call’. That’s the beauty of phones.”