Downsizing: It’s more than just stuff

In my sister’s house there are three piles: Keep, Bin and Charity. The keep pile towers above the others.

Among the items are five family-sized table cloths, 20 fluffy white towels and a near-new portacot bought for grandchildren now at university.

There is also a hefty antique coffee table with brass legs, a suite of mahogany bedroom furniture, a handmade Swami silver tea set, and a tarnished roasting dish used by her late husband to crisp potatoes over more than 50 years of marriage. 

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“Will you need that many towels?” I ask.

“You never know,” she says.

Like many of her generation, my sister, 84, is downsizing, moving from a five-bedroom family home to a unit in a retirement village. Following her husband’s death, she has decided she can no longer live alone. Another layer of grief has been added as she chooses which parts of their lives to leave behind.

Downsizing is not a gentle task.

“Leaving the family home and having to discard familiar objects can be totally overwhelming,” says Judy Thorpe, co-owner and director of TaskMasters, which has helped thousands of older people move to a retirement village.

There are powerful emotions at play, she says.

“For older people, it’s not just moving to a smaller house, it’s saying goodbye to possessions accumulated over a lifetime that reflect a person’s identity and relationships. Each object triggers a memory. Without that object as a prompt people worry they are saying goodbye forever to their past lives. It feels as though their lives are shrinking, including their memories.”

Downsizing in older age can also mean facing up to one’s mortality.

Thorpe says each person has their own core collection of items that carry exceptional emotional importance. They could be as simple as a colander used by their mother, or an item with a familiar smell. Many people found it hard to discard books that had brought pleasure or comfort during their lives.

“One client had accumulated 45 backpacks over a lifetime of travel. Each represented his experiences in a different country. They couldn’t all go with him, but we suggested he take a picture of them all and frame it.”

At a time, when many young people are finding it hard to get on the property ladder, societal expectations can put pressure on older people to vacate family homes. Children may also want their parents to move to places where they will be looked after if their health deteriorates. This sometimes overlooks or downplays the emotions involved. But Thorpe says downsizing represents a lot more than moving to another house. “For older people, it can be a grief process. When you’re younger these emotions aren’t as important or as strong.”

Her advice is to acknowledge the emotions and take time. “Don't rush things; help the person stay in control of making decisions, even if it doesn't seem sensible.” It was helpful to include someone objective to help. “Someone you can share the memories with who will listen and show an interest.”

We asked people which items have been hard to part with and which were non-negotiable.

Wellington-based poet, author and novelist Rachel McAlpine, 85, who has written widely about aging, and produces a podcast called Learning to Be Old, which includes an episode on downsizing, says while she has no immediate thoughts of leaving her apartment, “which is only slightly larger than necessary,” the one thing she could never leave behind is a little box of soft-covered photo books.

“My original motive for making these was for exactly this reason: a simple, precious version of who and what I've loved in my life so far, to tuck under my pillow in a nursing home.”

For Sue Edmonds, 83, an environmentalist who farmed a block of land near Hamilton for 27 years before she moved into a retirement village, one of the things she loved most and couldn’t take with her was a donkey named Bessie.

“I had two goats, two cows and two donkeys on the property plus numerous adopted cats. I brought one cat with me, but I miss Bessie. She had to go to a donkey sanctuary.”

When Shujie Yang, 69, moved from her home in China to live with her daughter, Lei, in New Zealand, she faced significant cultural and social changes. But she also had to leave behind one of her most treasured family heirlooms - a huge chopping board made of sugar maple. The board, made by her father and gifted to her on her wedding day, was so big she only used it for special occasions like Chinese New Year when family members gathered around it to make dumpling pastry.

While she no longer has the board, Shujie still helps out in the family’s dumpling business in Hamilton.

Footnote: Some of my sister’s “keep” items were pruned. The coffee table was deemed a tripping hazard, the portacot went to charity. The roasting dish survived the cut.