By James Nokise*
Opinion - NZ First MP Clayton Mitchell says if immigrants were found to breach his Respecting New Zealand Values Bill an independent panel may assess the case or it may go through the courts. Here's what the panel might ask, according to James Nokise.
Through some political contacts, and trading cigarettes, I've managed to get hold of an early draft of New Zealand First' "Values Test" (with mock answers).
Welcome Invading Immigrant,
The following test is to assess how much you share the values of everyday mum and dad Kiwis who put New Zealand First. You have one hour to complete this test. Your answers MUST BE IN ENGLISH!
Why are Black and Silver the best colours?
(Example: They make people think of dashing silver foxes, they look good on flags, they evoke strong and sober leadership.)
What does the R in RUGBY stand for?
Answer: Richie McCaw - we will also accept "Royal" from Brits, and "Rugby" from Americans.
Who is REALLY the New Zealand prime minister?
- Winston Peters
- Jacinda Ardern
- Taika Waititi
Answer: Ardern - but please record details of everyone who writes 'Winston'.
Complete the following sentence
"Yeah, nah, _____"
Answer: We will accept "yeah", "nahyeah", "yeah ay".
What is New Zealand's most iconic show?
- What Now?
- A Country Calendar
- Praise Be
Answer: Police 10/7 screens overseas so is not an acceptable answer. Fair Go counts as media and so is disqualified.
Who famously campaigned for New Zealand suffrage?
- Kate Sheppard
- Kate Bush
- Kelen Clarke
Answer: Kate Sheppard - bonus points for mentioning more than once in the answer that New Zealand was first country where women won the right to vote.
List your top reason you would vote for Winston Peters in the 2020 election.
(Please note: "He shouted me drinks overseas" is not an appropriate answer.)
What is New Zealand's favourite summer sport?
- Finding bars Hollywood actors have visited
- Touch rugby
Answer: Touch rugby - anyone answering sports questions with anything other than rugby should be reported.
True or False - New Zealand invented pavlova
Answer: True. If "false", deport immediately.
New Zealanders are most often known by a nickname including which animal?
- Rainbow trout
Answer: "Kiwifruit" is not acceptable.
Who is David Seymour?
Answer: This question can be left blank.
Congratulations. You have finished the Kiwi Values test, and will now be assessed by one of our expert MPs. Your results will be processed as quickly as possible. You can aid in the speed of this process at this website: https://www.gofundme.com/winston-peters-prime-minister-2020.
1/3 of the New Zealand government.
Scoring and Results:
- 1 - 3: This person will become aware they have scored 1-3 probably when the police escort them onto the plane back to where they came from.
- 4 - 6: Their Kiwiness is in doubt. There is a high chance they vote for the Green Party. If they are a refugee please adjust their score to 1-3.
- 7 - 9: They clearly understand enough about Kiwi Values to most likely be either a Kiwi or a very smart Australian.
- 10: Refer to the "Job opportunities" section of the New Zealand First website.
*James Nokise is a Billy T Award-shortlisted New Zealand comedian.