What makes people behave badly on dating apps?

From Sunday Morning, 8:30 am on 5 June 2022

Although many New Zealanders met their current partner on an app, dating in this way does have a dark side, says social researcher Joanne Orlando.

While the "marketplace vibe" of the online dating landscape can seem promising, some app users are becoming demoralised by repeated experiences of ghosting and derision, she tells Jim Mora.

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Ten years ago, our online and offline worlds were quite separate, but we're more personally vulnerable now that's no longer the case, Orlando says.

"Who we are and what we do online is very much integrated into our 'real' life. They are almost one and the same now ... [When you're online dating] you're really putting yourself out there and hoping someone likes you for who you are."

Ghosting is one of the major problems with dating apps that both women and men mention to Orlando. She says it usually involves a seemingly promising chat over a few days before one person who then disappears without a trace, she says.

After getting repeatedly 'ghosted' in this way, Orlando says, people can come to expect shabby treatment from potential romantic partners both on dating apps and in real life.

"I think if [ghosting] keeps happening to you, you develop a certain vulnerability to it and a sensitivity to it. It becomes a much bigger issue than it normally would if you weren't on dating apps."

'Hate speech' - which has inflamed the internet over the last couple of years - has also had a really negative effect on how people communicate on dating apps.

Some take the opportunity – that dating apps provide – to be "less nice" versions of themselves, Orlando says.

"You can try on a bit of a persona and you can treat people badly because it's not you… people can be quite callous in the way they treat others. They kind of forget they're human and it becomes a little bit of a game for them."

People need to be clear on the kinds of communication we are willing and not willing to accept both in-person and online, she says.

"Consent starts from the time you're first communicating with someone. So if someone is treating you badly straight up… massive, massive red flag. They're not going to get any better."

Dating apps tend to make people more superficial, she tells Jim Mora.

"When we see people in real life who might be a little bit shorter or just not have quite the look we're after we can very easily cast them off because we know there's tonnes of people in our inbox who kind of look a little better than that and who we might have a chance with."

The rising number of "suggestive" selfies on dating apps seems like an attempt to stand out in the crowd, Orlando says.

"It's hard to cut through and get noticed. I think it's a way of getting noticed."

People are putting the work in part because dating apps have made us more "aspirational" in terms of who we deem to be our romantic match.

It's a sad fact that people on dating apps are usually trying to connect with others that are around 25 percent more desirable than they are, she says.

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