It’s not easy to care about the NFL, especially when we have rugby. David Bell tries to find some middle ground.
Photo: Photosport/Luke McPake
The NFL started again recently, which a lot of us may know only because of players using the national anthem to protest against police brutality. Outside of this trend, I’m going to make a sweeping generalisation and say most of us in New Zealand know almost nothing about American Football. (Because RUGGERS.)
After a lifetime of watching rugby and about 30 seconds of watching the NFL, we often deduce that the NFL is a much less interesting, or challenging game. I came into this ready to defend the NFL and make a bunch of reasonable points about how it’s actually a decent game if you just give it a chance. But then one day home sick with a crippling stomach bug, I watched literally the worst game of NFL that’s ever been played. Constant vomit was the second worst part of my day after this game. It was as torturous as watching the last three Warriors games of the season in one sitting.
Before and after this harrowing experience, I tried so hard to care about the NFL. But I just couldn’t. The thing I cared about most was not accidentally letting my free NFL Game Pass trial end before I could cancel it. If I wasn’t so mad about the Warriors a few weeks ago, I’d be getting worried about my inability to feel emotion towards a sport.
Seeing as I could neither love or hate this game, or laugh at pointlessness of it all, I decided to make a short pros and cons list to decide if the game of NFL is indeed “good” or “shit”.
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PRO: It’s extremely specialised
Something we can’t get our head around is how there is an entirely different team for every aspect of NFL. We look down on football players because they only have to do one thing well, whereas rugby players do many things. But that one thing they do is really difficult! Ever tried to throw a ball gridiron style? It’s hard. Remember when Jonah Lomu did it that one time and everyone lost their shit? Quarterbacks do that 50 times a game.
Also remember how Jarryd Hayne, one of the best to ever play league, wasn’t that close to being good enough for one of the worst teams in the NFL? Football is very hard, we should appreciate that. Except if you’re the punter. I swear to god that guy has it made. I could do that.
Can we also talk about the amount of people on the sideline? There are roughly 200 coaches and trainers just kind of hanging out there. I always wonder if there are intruders amongst that group. People that actually have no idea what they’re doing and are just pretending they contribute to the team but do nothing and just keep getting paid. At least a few of those guys are just catching Pokemon. I would love to be one of them.
This is ultimately a pro, because there are guys doing amazing things regularly. There are also guys not doing amazing things not very often, but getting paid shitloads. That is also kind of amazing.
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CON: The games are way too long
NFL games consist of four 15 minute quarters, yet take around three and a half hours to complete. That’s insane. That’s half a working day for 20 minutes less game time than an actual rugby match.
Football seems to be an afternoon or day-long social experience. I mean, look at these people: you’re lying to yourself if you think a big part of the football experience isn’t getting cooked. This is commendable, but these games are usually on Sunday and Monday afternoons. Don’t these people have families, jobs or just general life admin?
Saying that, cricket is also a long-ass game that we love. The best games of test cricket are far more engrossing than any T20 game. That is a true and real cliché. When a closely fought test match takes hours of building pressure and implementing a strategy before reaching a resolution, that moment is infinitely more satisfying and awesome. I’d like to think this happens in the NFL. I’ve never actually experienced it, but I’m pretty sure it’s a thing. I feel like if one day I deeply cared about an NFL team, I’d be real stoked if they won in hour three. Sometimes build-ups are good.
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PRO: The players have actual personalities
In the NFL, people wear gold chains on the field and twerk after scoring, even though they know they’ll get penalised.
When the charisma of every rugby player to ever play the game is combined and put into physical form it amounts to roughly three of Marshawn Lynch’s Skittles. That line makes sense because the guy known for running it straight every time is also known for eating Skittles during games. These are two of my main interests aligning against all odds. This guy turned not wanting to talk to the media into performance art while being one of the best running backs in the NFL.
The players in the NFL have so much personality, the ads they’re in are actually genuinely entertaining. (Not entertaining in an unintended way like our ones.) I didn’t know this was possible until I watched American sports. The players are very cool and interesting people - and that’s always refreshing to see.
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CON: There are way too many rules
There’s a rule for literally everything in the NFL and the seven refs (SEVEN!) enforce every single one of them religiously. This is an OCD sport that just will not let anyone live. As far as I can tell, having zero chill doesn’t even have its benefits since the best parts of the game are illegal while the worst parts are not.
Under NFL rules, the pinnacle of the Warriors season would’ve been a penalty. You can’t fend a guy in the face in the NFL, which would mean 80% of Jonah Lomu rugby is basically illegal. Or there’s the rule outlawing “choreographed celebration” which, as well as being Sahara-level dryballs, seems kind of racist. It’s mostly just absurd. How do they judge it? “Those fist pumps were suspiciously rhythmic and in unison, hmmmm”. Just let people do pre-prepared celebrations, you miserable bastards.
The NFL is hell bent on stamping out dancing from the game, yet were incapable of stopping the New England Patriots from straight-up cheating last year. They’re also no closer to figuring out a way to reduce concussions and improve player safety, which is by far the biggest issue facing the league. (My suggestion is make it against the rules to fly head-first into another player’s head - crazy, I know). It’s insane that this is illegal but this is not.
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PRO: The CRAZY media coverage
The way NFL is presented on TV is pretty full on. There are ads every 30 seconds, constant replays of everything and live crosses to a million different analysts drawing on screens. It’s pretty confronting if you’re used to 30 minutes of Country Calendar, a rugby game, then 30 minutes of Christian Cullen saying “Yeah ah… the game was... good”.
Look, the ads are great. If you watch NFL Game Pass, you get an amazing combination of super high-budget ads next to Tim and Eric-style low-budget community TV ads. You get Jamie Foxx throwing shade on weak-ass insurance brands followed by an ad for off-brand medic alert bracelets. Or you can just watch the replay where they cut out the ads and it’s fine.
If for nothing else, you should watch American sport for the amazing way they cover it on TV. We could learn a lot from them. The other day a wide receiver made an incredible catch and the commentator said “how on earth did he catch that?”. Then they immediately cut to a picture of that player’s hand being measured to illustrate that he has gigantic hands and that’s how he caught it. That’s lightning.
Meanwhile, back in New Zealand we have Justin Marshall saying “microskill” 40 times a game. Justin, please. Please stop saying “microskill”. It becomes insignificant if you draw attention to it non-stop for a month.
It also means nothing.
Just stop.
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