When your siblings get all the love, where does that leave you? Somewhere between Beyoncé and Kelly, says Maria Williams.
Listen to the story as it was told at The Watercooler or read on.
My family is very strange. Not super awkward, but awkward. Imagine five large Williams who are all terrible listeners and yell all the time at home, yet are quiet and socially anxious outside of the comfort of our other obnoxious family members. We don’t talk about personal matters or say ‘I love you’.
I couldn’t find our cat when I visited at Easter. I looked for her for 20 minutes. I asked them, “Is there something you want to tell me?” No one replied. I looked up my brother’s instagram – found out my cat Patsi had died, the week prior. I can laugh about it now. We are very sadistic and have no tact but we’re self-depreciating and funny. So uncomfortable, and yet comfortable, with each other.
I am the only one in the family who takes Christmas seriously. We do secret Santa, a classic lazy-Williams technique. Mum says it’s ‘a relief’ to not have me home for Xmas because no one pulls out the Christmas tree and forces the consumption of eggnog (non-alcoholic, obviously).
The first year we tried Secret Santa was 1999. I remember two things distinctly from this Christmas: one is that Michaela Warner had a singlet top with ‘Happy 2000’ written in diamantes; the other thing is that my older brother had me for Secret Santa.
The CD he got me established my relationships for the rest of my life: the writing was on the wall with my Destiny’s Child CD ‘The Writing’s on the Wall’, International Deluxe Edition.
The CD he got me established my relationships for the rest of my life: the writing was on the wall with my Destiny’s Child CD ‘The Writing’s on the Wall’, International Deluxe Edition. I credit my brother with spending time as an 11-year-old-boy, thinking about a personal gift for me, but really I know that mum would’ve gone to the CD store and gone ‘What do the kids like?’, because this led to years of NOW CD’s, The Rhythm Vol 20-24 and Missy Elliot.
But Destiny’s Child made it out of its case. Beyoncé was my favourite. This is now obvious, but remember at the time all I knew about each member was their photo on the front and their dedications to God in the middle. On the cover Beyoncé has cornrows - she looked how I looked when I came back from holiday in Fiji. Once I realised that not only did Beyoncé sing every verse in every song, but it’s also clear where her voice is layered on top of each other, I was able to love her best for reasons beyond our physical similarities. It’s just awkward that we all went on for so many years acting like the other members of the band mattered.
I was a third wheel in a good way. Loudest kid in the room - could never sit still, friendly in a good way. Blew out the birthday kids’ candles for them. That kid. Mum put me in school holiday programs – she was a stay-at-home-parent. I was a performer; I would put on shows all the time. I asked mum why she took me to theatre auditions. ‘Are you kidding?’ she said. Apparently when she was breast-feeding Paul, I would perform shows for her because she was a guaranteed audience. She had to watch, she couldn’t go anywhere. She said, “Nobody could ever call you bland”, which I interpret as “people called your brothers bland”.Back in 1999, I was clearly Beyoncé. Guy was Kelly and Paul was Michelle. Most of them didn’t know my brothers. And if they knew my brothers they didn’t like them. It’s not some much that I excelled, but I did overwhelm people, whereas my brothers just underwhelmed people. They were boring, shy, disinterested. My words. Mum said they were afraid of everything and followed the rules.
Guy was the oldest - serious, the protector. And I followed him around and did everything with him. I was an affectionate child, to the point where once I squeezed baby Paul so hard mum took him to the hospital. Paul wanted to be me. To the point that he wore my Princess Belle from Beauty and the Beast costume to church every week.
But now, my brothers are best friends and I’m not even their Facebook friend. We’re weird. So I signed up to Twitter to find out what they are doing with their lives and check in.
My younger brother is currently in a musical in Auckland. He is a singer and musician and won ‘Best music’ at the National 48-hour Film Festival final this year. I think he might be currently dating an X Factor contestant, which is only what I’ve come to assume through his instagram account. My older brother works. A lot. He does TV, hosting, and a radio show. In-between that he throws together half-assed comedy shows. I’m not sure we can call him a comedian currently, but he did win the Billy T Award.
I am in my 20th year of study, having studied 3 different things (didn’t particularly like any of them), avoiding the real world.
Which means I am constantly asked what I’m doing with my life. I own a lot of self-help books which I request for my birthday every year. I have never finished reading the book I got for my 19th: ‘You can heal your life’… which is very appropriate. Life remains unhealed.
People find me mysterious now, the sibling they cannot find on the internet: ‘We know what Guy is up to, saw him on the Telly. We know what Paul is up to, saw him on the Youtube’. Conversations with people I haven’t seen for a while usually just become me updating them on my brothers’ lives, which I know about as well as they do because I just read their social media pages. Mainly Twitter, because they both have public profiles and you might remember we are not friends on Facebook.
Occasionally I email my mum a life update – like when I leave the house - and she responds, updating me with the brothers’ lives, and that’s when I really compare myself to my brothers because of things they’re doing.
Occasionally I email my mum a life update – like when I leave the house - and she responds, updating me with the brothers’ lives, and that’s when I really compare myself to my brothers because of things they’re doing. So on Paul’s graduation day last year (he bet me to completion – he’s 3 years younger), on that same day, Guy was announced as ‘TV Guide’s NZ’s sexiest Man’. While a) Competitions like this annoy the crap out of me and b) this made me very uncomfortable, I was glad I was ineligible, so it was something I wouldn’t feel jealous over. But. That day, they had both achieved something and I hadn’t. Actually, what I did do that day was lose my $25 phone in the park in the playground in Queenstown because I spent the day in the swings. Classic Maz.
A few months ago I was in the newspaper – You might’ve heard of the Dominion Post – during the Under 20 FIFA World Cup. I was a FIFA intern. So yes, I was working for free for the most corrupt organization in the world. For free – so, doing nothing with my life. I had wanted to intern with Amnesty International and am not sure where I took such a swift turn in the wrong direction. But I do this a lot. I wanted to be an AID worker and then ended up in Hotel Management School. Ugh.
So not only was I unpaid with Fifa, but I had spent the day dressed as the Sheep Mascot – Wool.I.Am. I had spent the day in the costume, personally high-fiving the whole school (we had time to fill. We took a group photo and it was in the paper. This was a life highlight at the time, and life highlights result in an email to my mum.
I was in the paper a lot as a child – plays, prizes, great art work, being in every parade/busking festival/stilt walking opportunity, whereas my brothers were not. This has since changed. I was like ‘Mum! I’m in the Dom Post! You can’t tell it’s me but it’s the black sheep’. Mum’s reply was dismissive ‘Oh, Dom Post? we don’t get that newspaper in Auckland. But do check out the Sunday Star Times tomorrow, you CAN get that in Welly, there’s an article on Guy and Paul.’
What? Both of them? Paul has had his fair share of covers for the Nelson Mail as he was a teen rap parody star in high school, and Guy gets boring questions because for some reason ‘celebrity columns’ exist.
Anyway, the article that mum was referencing was one of those couple-columns that they have in Sunday magazine – where two co-workers/relatives/best friends/lovers are interviewed about the other person, which sits underneath a photo of them. They were labelled as ‘The Williams Brothers’ like they’re fucking Venus and Serena. They wrote about each other. And how they’re best friends, and reading this article one wouldn’t know there were three of us. So they had a glossy, colour spread the day after I was on page 13 literally being a black sheep.
So Guy has taken over as Beyoncé : Oldest, leader, responsible, thousands of social network followers. Number one hit song with SCRIBE! SCRIBE! Like if Beyoncé knew who Scribe was they would definitely duet. I don’t need to explain to anyone here who or what Beyoncé is. And obviously Guy is not on that level (because no one is).
Like if Beyoncé knew who Scribe was they would definitely duet. I don’t need to explain to anyone here who or what Beyoncé is. And obviously Guy is not on that level (because no one is).
Paul is Kelly. The quieter one by Bey’s side. The wind beneath her wings. Kelly was an X Factor judge. I’m not really sure what Paul is doing as a musician at the moment, but he is definitely en route to becoming an X Factor judge. There’s always that one judge who you aren’t sure who they are but they know the right people.
And so I am Michelle. M Williams right? It works. Michelle has a homewear brand she sells on infomercials called ‘Believe by Michelle Williams’. She has a website dedicated to her entitled ‘Poormichelle.com’. She will forever be ‘that one’. BUT, she still sings. Christian music, but still. But that’s OK, right? Michelle was still in the band. She wasn’t Le Toya or Le Tavia or Farrah.
Who are they, you ask? Exactly.
I thought it would be only appropriate to end with the Destiny’s child song ‘Outro’ from the album ‘Survivor’. It’s basically where the sing to each other about how much they love each other. I pretend my brothers sing this to me, as Bey and Kell do to their ‘Belle’, Michelle. (Sung if brave enough):
“Dunno where we would be If we never met you girl
I love you, I thank you, You are such a blessing, I am so grateful
I truly believe the lord sent you to me and Kelly/(Paul), your smile and laughter always makes me happy when I’m too serious, or too intense, with a voice that beautiful you were heaven sent. My sister.”
I am a blessing! You do love me! Even if you don’t sing it. Or even say it. I am Michelle.
This story was originally told at The Watercooler, a monthly storytelling night held at The Basement Theatre. If you have a story to tell email thewatercoolernz@gmail.com or hit them up on Twitter or Facebook.
Illustration: Tane Williams
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