Bob Laloli woke up one morning and decided to bring the dream he just had to life. Literally.
Listen to the story as it was told at The Watercooler or read on.
I thought that an easy way for me to write this story would be do it as if I had bothered to stop for a minute, and write my mum a letter explaining where I was at the time that this all happened. But that just felt extremely unnatural because I would never do that. It’s not 1993.
So, instead I’m going to ask you to pretend that you’re Eminem and I’m Stan. Just like it’s 2001 and we’re in that music video where a crazed fan writes letters to Eminem and Dido keeps singing about how cold her tea has gone.
Dear Slim,
I wrote but you still ain’t called me. I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom. It’s me Bob, in case you had forgotten. You might be wondering where I have been? So, I’ll start from the beginning.
Two weeks ago, I had a dream that it was my birthday and I was riding an elephant and it was amazing. It was the most euphoric experience I have ever had. I was in the jungle and the elephant that I was riding had changed my life. I could see the future and there was no problem I couldn’t solve. I never wanted the elephant ride to end. I didn’t ever want to get off the elephant.
When I woke up after this dream, I was absolutely fixated on the memory of it. I needed to be on this elephant. I was obsessed with the idea of being on this fucking elephant and I was willing to do anything to make that happen.
Slim, you’ve always known me to be a doer. I march to the beat of my own drummer and so that was exactly what I did. I marched right down to the travel agency.
There was a girl working behind the desk, I’ll also mention that she was a babe. Now that I recall it, I feel like I missed an opportunity there.
Anyway, I digress.
I said to her: “Krystal, this is how it is, I don’t care what I need to do to make this happen. On the 21st of August I need to be on an elephant. If you could please book me flights to the nearest elephants please”.
Not actually sure of where I was going or how I was going to get there, I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew this was what I had to do with my life.
We booked return tickets to Bangkok leaving that night with no accommodation. The most grown-up thing I’d done so far was manage to make sure it was a return flight.
Within hours 48 hours or so, I was on the plane. I didn’t text anyone. I was over-excited. It was mania. The airplane food was alright.
I arrived in Bangkok, got off the plane, found a hotel and checked in.
Just a day or so ago I was in bed, in my house in New Zealand, and now here I am by myself in Bangkok.
I’ve committed to this now. There is no backing out and so before I have a chance to start doubting any of my decisions, or even worse stop to think about what the fuck I am doing here, I go for a walk. The next thing you know, I am obviously ordering a Chang beer at a bar because it’s Bangkok and no one in Bangkok just goes for a walk without ending up in a bar in a number of minutes.
This was nice. Just Bob and Bob hanging out, the beers just kept rolling in and several hours later, I woke up in a tipi… in the middle of Bangkok.
What the fuck am I doing in a tipi? How did this happen? Am I in the rainforest? Are there tigers? Why is there an ironing board?
I quickly realised that I was not in a tipi in the rainforest at all. I had made this fort myself!!!!
I woke up the next morning in a tightly made bed. However I was wearing a Bart Simpson mask and had purchased the biggest bag of fireworks you’ve ever seen.
I’d made a fort, by joining some beds together with an ironing board in the middle of the hotel room. The TV I had set up inside was playing rainforest documentaries. I had been in a panic before I figured that out, but it was fine. I had just made myself a fort in the middle of my hotel room, by myself, in Bangkok like any normal 26-year-old would do.
I had some coco pops for breakfast and after that, I went down to the hotel travel agent to book flights to Koh Samui. This was my golden ticket.
I arrived that afternoon, things were just going along normally which was nice for a change. I went out for dinner. Another date with Bob, and drunk more beer. I’d developed a weird kind of attachment to Chang at this point, more of a love hate relationship though. I was aware, by now, that these beers inconsistently range between 4-18 per cent alcohol so I was sure to pace myself and drink responsibly.
I woke up the next morning in a tightly made bed. However, I was wearing a Bart Simpson mask and had purchased the biggest bag of fireworks you’ve ever seen. Slight improvement from the night before, but let's be honest, I was behaving like that kid on the movie ‘Big’ who wakes up one day, realises he is an adult, and just goes nuts in a department store buying everything.
I went for a walk on the beach and found myself killing a couple of hours getting really competitive playing Connect 4 against an 8-year-old. I also ended up spending 1000 baht on necklaces. Nothing cooler than a 26-year-old grown white guy, wearing 1000 baht worth of shell necklaces by himself on the beach.
I kept adventuring, ate some weird shit on the street, got measured up for suits, and got offered countless massages.
And finally I found a stall selling tickets to a wildlife reserve. It had happened! This was it! My dream was just meters within reach! I held my necklaces against my chest and did a spastic ‘I’m wearing jandals waddle-run’ over to the stall. I booked it up and I was in! Tomorrow at midday I was going to live my dream. Literally.
That night, I stayed in since I needed to make sure nothing weird would happen. At this point, I was quite terrified of what Chang was capable of when left alone with me.
I woke up! It’s my birthday! Today is the day! I looked around, there was no tipi, no ironing board, no mask on my face, and none of the fireworks had exploded. I’d done it. I thought “you’ve got this Bob, you can be an adult if you just put your mind to it.”
I went to reception and got a scooter. I drove off into the smog to get some hot dogs. It was a great day.
It was a little early and nothing was really open, so I parked up in an empty street and went for a walk around. When I came back couple of hours later, the carpark that was empty before was not empty at all.
There were thousands of scooters and I had no idea what my scooter looked like. I hadn’t given it a second thought when I hired it. I couldn’t remember the colour, I couldn’t remember the shape, or model, I couldn’t tell what spot I had parked it in. Now I’m in shit.
I was so caught up on just going with the flow that I hadn’t taken any notice at all of my scooter. It was getting late and I needed to be at the wildlife park! I needed to get on that elephant. But here I was looking at 1000 fucking scooters with no idea which one was mine.
I wished I had my Bart Simpson mask on me at this point, as I knew what I had to do.
I went to the top of the pile and I started putting my key in every single scooter. It was taking forever. I tried this on so many scooters, just put the key in, cross my heart and hope to die, turn the ignition and nothing! Every time, nothing. I started to doubt that I had even hired a scooter. I was questioning whether I was even in another country. I was beginning to wonder if any of this was even real. Who am I?!
I had cleared through about 100 scooters at this point, thinking I was never going to get there. I was sweating and panicking. People were yelling at me thinking I was stealing their shit. I could have really used one of those 18 per cent beers at this point.
I was questioning whether I was even in another country. I was beginning to wonder if any of this was even real. Who am I?!
I put my key in scooter number 101, prayed to Buddha, turned the ignition, and it started. I had found my scooter. I wasn’t going to get murdered. It was a feeling I will never forget. I still had time. I could still make it to the wildlife park. I took off on that scooter like you, Rabbit, at the end of 8 Mile. I just needed to get back to the hotel. I was running out of time.
But I took a wrong turn. Then I took another wrong turn… and again… until all of a sudden I had no idea where I was. Immediately, just back in the shit again. Lost. By myself. All the streets looked exactly the same.
Determined now, I needed to get out of this. I drove around furiously, going through the same streets so many times. I finally found some familiar buildings, and started to recognise where I was.
I made it back to my hotel, and as I pulled up, the transport to the wildlife park was there, ready to leave.
Deciding to be more dramatic, I did some mad skids on my scooter as I slid into the hotel driveway. I got off my scooter and jumped into the ute with a gazebo over it. My memory of that sweet scooter skid I did is probably a lot more impressive than what it looked like in real life but I’m telling the story, I can remember it how I like, it was awesome.
After a bumpy ride, 30 minutes later we pulled up into the wildlife reserve and all I could see was elephants. I felt like Sam Neill, flying into Jurassic Park. It was about to happen, my dream, the whole point of being here was about to become a reality.
I got some bananas for the elephant.
It was 1.30pm on August 21, 2013 and I rode an elephant on my birthday. Just like in my dream. I’d never done this before, or anything like this. Waking up after a dream and just deciding to go and make that a reality no matter what I had to do.
I even planked the elephant while I was riding it. Planking was really big in 2013 so I got a really cool picture of me planking the elephant that is, unfortunately, not really cool anymore. Maybe it will come back in as a trend one day and really impress my grandkids. Either way, I planked an elephant and I made my dream real.
It was amazing. I felt like I was on top of the world, riding an elephant. It was the greatest feeling of my life and I was so excited. This was it. It was happening! I nearly didn’t make it but I pulled it off. I was so proud of myself, Slim.
After about 10 minutes riding the elephant I was bored out of my mind. IT WAS BALLS BORING. Elephants are so slow. I had signed up to a whole hour, I had 50 minutes left of this and after the first 10 minutes I had never been so fucking bored in my life.
This part was not in the dream. It wasn’t supposed to be extremely boring. The dream was euphoric and was the greatest experience of all time. In the dream I never wanted to get off the elephant, that is why I ended up here. I’ve flown thousands of miles and now, here I was finally doing it, and I have never been so bored in my life.
This was worse than that time I paid $25 to hug a koala for 15 minutes in Sydney, and they literally just put me in an empty white room with a koala for 15 minutes. Just me and this koala having a cuddle, alone for 15 minutes.
I had to ride around on this elephant for 50 more minutes and I was in hell. When would I escape from this horrible nightmare I was living!?
After the biggest anti-climax of my life all I wanted to do was hang out with the only friend I had while I was here…my trusty pal, Chang beer. So that was exactly what I did.
Planking was really big in 2013 so I got a really cool picture of me planking the elephant that is, unfortunately, not really cool anymore. Maybe it will come back in as a trend one day and really impress my grandkids.
I went out and made friends with some other solo travellers. I convinced everyone to join my scooter gang and we did adventures and activities all around the island in v-formation for several days. I made a scooter gang. Me and my v-formation scooter gang. We had a blast.
I had a couple of days left so I booked some tickets to Koh Phangan where they had a half moon party.
I boarded a ferry. It was the most overloaded ferry you have ever seen. Not legal at all. I was convinced I was being taken to a refugee camp. I thought I was going to die. It was a terrifying boat experience.
It was worse than that time when I lived in Evans Bay and woke up with an uncontrollable need to go fishin’. However, I did not own a boat or know anyone who owned a boat. So James, Rob, and myself decided to buy a boat, that day, off Trademe.
It was an absolute lemon. We took off on our sailing trip. Obviously, the worst southerly of all time came in over us and at the same time our motor blew up. Inevitably we shipwrecked. Someone had to call the coast guard and they had to tow us off the rocks and back to shore.
We finally managed to drive away with our boat on the trailer of the ute. As you would expect, the wheel fell off and we jack-knifed right in the middle of the road. So then the police turned up and fined us because the trailer had no warrant. We just decided to push the boat into a seaside car park, by the sheepskin shed, and it’s stayed there for five years. (Until it seems to have been stolen in the past couple of weeks. All the best to the new owners.)
Anyway, I digress.
This time, the boat made it to the half moon party.
I got painted with face and body paint. I asked specifically to be painted as Batman which means I just got painted black, if you think about it. Everything was going well until I bumped into someone painted as The Joker. I had a milkshake that was much stronger than the Changs I was used to drinking. Everyone got very friendly for the rest of the night. Similar to that time I went to a toga party in winter where I actually just dressed up in an electric blanket and plugged myself into a wall in the corner. All the girls wanted to cuddle me, it was the best, but I guess now I know how that koala bear would have felt.
I woke up the next day and decided to have one more crack at hiring a scooter to go exploring. Within a matter of minutes the monsoon came in and everything flooded. I was soaked. I pulled up to a bar and did what I know how to do best…drank a lot of beer.
Never one to learn a lesson, I woke up in my hotel room the next day, without my scooter. I remembered where I had parked it this time though, but I still had to go for a two-hour long walk with a Chang-over to find it.
Hopefully that fills you in on my whereabouts for the last 10 days, Slim. I’ve also achieved many different things by the way. You'll be proud. I've got a degree from the University of Philadelphia. It’s a master’s degree in ‘Animal Psychology and Cross-Fit- Small Business Management’. I got that off the side of the road. I figured out how to light fireworks with a taser, I sponsored a child's dream of going to the Olympics to play Connect 4, and I still have all of my organs.
Will see you soon.
Lots of love,
Bob
This story was originally told at The Watercooler, a monthly storytelling night held at The Basement Theatre. If you have a story to tell email thewatercoolernz@gmail.com or hit them up on Twitter or Facebook.
Illustration: Tessa Stubbing
This content is brought to you with funding support from NZ On Air.
