The Bachelor NZ: Like beautiful poetry

Things really heated up this week in The Bachelor NZ kitchen. The pot’s about to boil over and people have been continuously stirring this very weird minestrone that is essentially just cheap sparkling wine that everyone is sick of drinking.

This week we saw Arthur go on two single dates, one with Alysha and another with Matilda. He took them to beautiful places that no one would be able to go to in any other circumstance, and then kissed them both respectively. This sounds almost like beautiful poetry.

I’ve invested so much of myself into this show that simple things such as Mike Puru blinking now seem poetic to me. The date cards are a prime example: My favourite one so far has been, “I’m taking you sky high, then off the grid,” which sounds very much like a death threat.

I think I’ve possibly uncovered the history and origin of these very cryptic and sometimes threatening date cards. I believe that they were written by X Factor NZ host Dominic Bowden and were originally intended for judge Mel Blatt. You know, a reality show host-to-host operation. Hosts helping other hosts out. 

The History: Dom wrote a card and handed it over to Mike who would work as a messenger, as this would save a lot on shipping and would take less than 3-5 business days, because every day is business for Mike Puru. Mike then set out on his quest to deliver the card to Mel, but was interrupted by some crazy bachelorette who took the card from his grasp and thought it was a part of the show. A so called ‘date card’.

She reads it aloud and notices at the bottom there is a name: Poppy, who we see go on the first ever single date on the show. The purpose of ‘Poppy’ being written at the bottom of the card wasn’t to initiate a date between bachelorette Poppy and bachelor Arthur… its original intention was so that Mike wouldn’t forget what flowers to give to Mel along with the card. The cards work out so well that now they’re part of The Bachelor NZ every week and Mike just pays Dom $15 per card.

But hey, don’t just take my word for it…

This week we also saw another string of largely unrealistic events. I’ve compiled some into a list which I’ve titled ‘Things That Happen That Are Okay On This Show But Nowhere Else’.

Natalie and Chrystal left the mansion this week, and in saying that, it looks like my predictions eventually came true. Although I have little to no faith in myself anymore, instead of picking who will leave, I’m going to pick who stays.

I reckon the top two will be Matilda and Poppy, but the competition is getting pretty tough so it’s hard to say.