What are these inaugural Toby & Toby Awards of which you speak?
Excellent question. They are the historic first annual prize-giving recognising great and grotty achievements over the course of a calendar year.
They are not to be confused with the rival Tony awards, which recognise achievements in New York theatre.
Are people named Toby sometimes mistakenly called Tony?
It happens quite a lot.
Sounds awful. Kia kaha.
Thanks for that.
These Toby awards: what form do they take?
They're virtual awards.
There aren't actually any awards, are there?
Winners are welcome to print them out.
Is there an awards ceremony?
This is it now.
Come on then.
The Tobey Maguire Amazing Spider-Man Prize for contributions to superheroically vanquishing the enemy goes to the New Zealand All Blacks for the first ever back-to-back Rugby World Cup titles.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
The Sir Toby Belch Memorial Prize for being grotesque and outrageous, and yet surviving in spite of everyone predicting your downfall, goes to Donald Trump's hair.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to this hair-raising ballyhoo.
Actually there's one right here.
The Toby Water Valve Certificate for incessant and public spills goes to Australia.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to Australia's haphazard politics.
There is. Here.
The Tobermory the Womble Award for contributions to the environment is an easy win for the negotiators at the COP21 climate conference in Paris.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to COP21.
Funny you should mention that.
The Uncle Toby's "That's No' How You Make Porridge" Prize for cereal boxes and flag debates goes to NZ's Flag Consideration Panel.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to the flag debate.
It pre-dates the addition of the designeratti's demonic red triangle, but there's nevertheless this.
The To Be Or Not To Be Award for existential self-reflection goes to the refugee crisis.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to the refugee crisis.
You could do worse than click here.
The Toblerone Medal for bringing something everyone loves home after an overseas trip goes to Gerry Brownlee and his panda diplomacy.
Now that sounds really interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to panda diplomacy.
Happy to help: clickety-click.
The Captain Toby Shandy Prize for digressions upon digressions goes to coverage of the Paris terror attacks.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to coverage of the Paris attacks.
This feels a lot like one of those end-of-season clip shows in which the characters gather and recall significant moments from earlier episodes.
Anything else, Billy Crystal?
Well, there is of course the Toby Jug Prize Tankard for weirdly inexplicable but strangely tantalising things that people like to grab hold of, which is an easy win for the prime minister's favourite ponytail.
Interesting. If only there were an illustrated introduction to coverage of the prime minister's favourite ponytail.
Why isn't there one? Is it because we live in an Orwellian state full of supine media shills and craven creators of online illustrated introductions to things?
No, it's just that it happened in the first half of the year, before the face of Toby-based illustrated question-and-answer based journalism was changed forever.
Oh. Are we done? The music has started to play.
The last award, ladies and gentleman, is the coveted Toby the Dog from the Punch and Judy Show Prize, and that goes by a mile to Winston Peters, for his victory in the Northland byelection in spite of being told he didn't have "a dog's show" of winning.
Interesting. If only -
According to the internet, there are already "Toby awards"; two, in fact. There are The Outstanding Building of the Year Awards, and the Teddy Bear and Friends magazine Teddy Bear of the Year Awards.
Good. Maybe they should get together and produce a weekly collaborative illustrated online question-and-answer based column.
Can you sum up the year in 25 words?
Yes. Big hair in America, in Northland, and in the prime minister's hand. Silver ferns. Porridge. Paris, Isis, and exodus. Teddy bears and outstanding buildings.
And five words?
It's not Tony, it's Toby.
* This column is part of a weekly series published every Wednesday, by graphic artist Toby Morris and journalist Toby Manhire.