Girls are told they can do anything, but too often boys get the message there is still only one 'right' way to be a man.
Husband and wife research and writing team Kasey Edwards and Christopher Scanlon, call it the “man box”.
They wrote a book two years’ ago about raising confident, resilient girls who can withstand social pressures. Teach them to like themselves they said, and the rest will follow.
Parents soon began asking them; 'what about the boys?'
Photo: matimix/123RF
So, they looked at the research and found that many of the same strategies they offered for girls can help boys reach their full potential too.
Their new book is called Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves.
Boys often have an optimistic attitude coached out of them, says Scanlon.
“It’s policed out of boys that the you shouldn't be that happy, you shouldn't be really serious, and you should be on the pessimistic side of things and be sort-of down.
“And I think our boys learn that very early on, they don't often start out like that, they start out with a very sunny disposition, very optimistic. And I think that's sort of policed out of them often.”
And in general, the way men are portrayed in the media is limited, he says.
“The ways in which boys are targeted in the media, and presented in advertising what a real man is, it's often a very limited idea of what boys and men are. And they just feel like they have to fit into this very narrow model of male identity.”
Boys tend to be left to fend for themselves when it comes to navigating social situations, Edwards says.
“We teach girls friendship skills. There's so many courses and resources to teach girls how to be a friend, and they come home, and we debrief every night and work out strategies.
“But so many boy parents said, oh, yeah, my daughter, it's just drama, drama, drama. But boys, it's so simple, and they just get on with it, or they sort it out on the football field.
“But the research shows that that is not actually the case, that boys struggle with friendship issues, just as much as girls, if not more so.”
This can set a dangerous precedent, she says.
“What happens is lonely boys grow up to be lonely men.”
This is one facet of boys being strapped into a “man box”, says Scanlon.
“A lot of researchers have spoken about this. It's the idea that there is a particular way of being a man. And it's often stoic, and not showing emotion, it often puts a premium on physical strength, and that's it.
“And a very limited emotional range, you've got to be serious, you've got to be strong, stoic, and you really can't show that full range of emotions that human beings have.”
Bringing Up Boys book cover Photo: supplied
The idea that boys’ and girls’ brains differ is nonsense, they say.
“If you actually read the literature, from neuroscientists, they will tell you that we create these brains, because the brains of our boys and girls do not come out fully formed that way, they are shaped in relation to the environment.
“So, when people say, ‘oh no, they're hardwired, boys are hardwired to behave in a particular way and they're so different’ - we create that, and the evidence is very clear.”
This can be reversed however, he says.
“We like to think that we treat boys and girls the same and research after research paper after research paper show that it's simply not the case, we treat them quite differently from the time they are in the womb, and then going forward.”
Their research showed that parents had a common worry about their boys, which was bullying.
“Particularly dads felt that they needed to toughen up their boy, and partly this is out of love because they know what it's like to be in the schoolyard and they're trying to protect their boys.
“So, they're trying to toughen him up, force him into the man box, so he won't get picked on, he will be accepted on the football field,” says Edwards.
But it is much more important for the boy to be allowed to be the best version of himself, they say.
“If a boy is going to grow up liking himself, he has to be allowed to grow into the best version of the person that he chooses to be. And not what dad or mum chooses for him, no matter how well -intentioned,
“And it is true that if your boy is growing up to have behaviours and attitudes and values that are outside the man box, it is going to be hard for him in the world, because there are very harsh penalties for boys who step outside that.
“But we would argue that it is so much worse for your boy not to be accepted at home.”
If a boy feels accepted at home, he's less likely to seek approval outside of it, Edwards says.
“That's another reason why we need to allow our boys to bloom in their own way.”
