When it comes to self-care, we're sold the idea that the answers and solutions are outside of us, says Dr Pooja Lakshmin.
She tells Jesse Mulligan why real self-care is an inside job.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin Photo: supplied
The wellness industry is so seductive because real self-care is difficult, Dr Lakshmin says - it involves really checking in with ourselves before making the next move or decision and setting healthy boundaries with other people.
In this case, pushback doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, Dr Lakshmin says.
"Working on a healthy boundary you also have to accept the fact that you will feel guilt, especially if you're a woman. We are kind of conditioned to feel bad about taking time and space for ourselves, so you have to understand that guilt is not a moral compass - it can just be a feeling that is there."
In her new book Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program For Redefining Wellness, Pooja lays out four principles - boundaries, self-compassion, values and accessing your power.
'Boundary' has become a buzzword lately, Dr Lakshmin says, but the ability to set them is "the backbone" of real self-care.
Marginalised people and women can find really difficult to even identify what they actually want, Dr Lakshmin says.
"The next time somebody asks you to do something that you really don't want to do, take a breath and stop and breathe and then say no or… respond differently. Give yourself the space to actually choose and decide."
Self-compassion
Dr Lakshmin recommends the work of Dr Kristin Neff - a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research.
We can build self-compassion by confronting negative self-talk and working to reframe it, she says.
"When you heard that critical inner voice … you can push back instead of accepting that as the truth."
Identify your values
When asked about their values, people often freeze or give "canned answers" Dr Lakshmin says, but these can be simple things like humour, silliness, intimacy, creativity and inclusivity.
Imagining your dream dinner party is a way to identify your values, she says - would yours have lots of laughter or be a potluck where everyone brings a dish from a different culture?
The words you use to describe this ideal dinner party will reflect personal values that you can then orient yourself towards in different areas of life.
