It can be hard to part ways with a friend because they've broken up with another friend, so how do you maintain mutual connections beyond break-ups?
Neuropscyhologist and clinical psychologist Hannah Korrel tells Jesse Mulligan that in the end, it doesn't matter if you choose to stay friends with both or not, as long as you stick to your choice.
Photo: 123RF
"I reckon most people decide 'I'll try to make it amicable with both people', because we're humans, we want to avoid confrontation," Korrel says.
"But I think the key issue in most cases is the decision to maybe sit by when one of those parties is trashing the other person and you think perhaps you'll sit there quietly and you won't say anything and that means you're not taking sides."
In fact, doing that is a choice, Korrel says, and therefore you are allowing yourself to take sides.
"So, I guess the conversation turns to where are you setting your boundaries and what are you willing to, I suppose, put your name to?
"I think a lot of people get fixated on the action, like 'who are you going to choose?', and they forget about the inaction, so doing nothing is also a choice.
"I think a really important part of this is your ability to set a boundary and then uphold that boundary."
Some might think being transparent will complicate matters, but Korrel says being honest about your relationship with both is not confrontational.
"It's about saying the truth with a calm voice, with integrity.
"So, saying 'I'm happy to stay friends with both of you, but to do that it means we need this conversation, this topic of the two of you and what's happened with the two of you, that's off limits for me ... you're going to have to get that support from someone else, because for me to listen to you talk negatively about my other friend, that's crossing a line for me'."
If you fall down the path of being a bystander in trash talk about your friend, you're essentially party to bullying of them, Korrel says.
"You can't really maintain a friendship with someone who, behind their back, you're speaking negatively or you're not speaking up for them."
There's also a fine line between assisting your friend with their mental health and taking care of your own mental health, she says.
"I think it's totally fair to just acknowledge what's outside of our scope as a friend and it might be that that person you can give a degree of support to but it might be that they actually need to get more, more support from somebody who is a professional in the area.
"And may be the best way you can help them is not to listen to them 'til one in the morning, essentially rag on somebody who is also your friend as well and tell you all the nitty gritty."
Sometimes the friend won't even really mean what they say but "they're saying [it] because you're there and you're a listening ear and you're almost too abundant in your time and availability."
And that's where setting boundaries comes in again.
"It's very healthy to set limits. Even psychologists have a limit of 50 minutes for a session."
If it reaches that point, a better role to support your friend would be to help them have a mental health care plan or book an appointment or walk them to their counsellor's door, she says.
