Decoding the patterns of human connection

Hugging a mate, chatting to the barista who makes you a coffee are interactions that are essential for happiness.

Dr Marissa King reveals how social connections can make you smarter more resilient and even help you live longer.

Her new book is called Social Chemistry: Decoding the Patterns of Human Connection.

She also offers this tool to assess your own social networks.

At a time like this, during a pandemic, we tend to look inwards, she says, but this can have negative outcomes.

Our tendency when we’re in a crisis, she told Jesse Mulligan, is to do something called “turtling in.”

“We focus inward on our smallest, closest connections instead of reaching out, that can be somewhat adaptive but in the long term it has really negative consequences because we are isolating ourselves at the moment when we need to connect the most.”

There is a difference between networks and networking, she says. Networking often has negative connotations for people.

“That idea is really off putting for many people, our networks and our relationships are the things that we hold most dear and the idea of being intentional about that is often off putting.”

This can result in a social hesitancy, she says, the group least likely to be hesitant socially are those already with power.

“People in power often feel like they have something to give in a social situation and if you think about what you can give in a social interaction, instead of what you can get, it helps you get over that instrumental self-focussed aspect which is really where this moral ickiness comes from.”

It’s not how many people you know that matters, it’s the quality and structure of your social relationships, she says.

“Far too often people are told ‘you need to meet new people and grow your network’, but the truth is instead concentrate on developing a higher quality set of connections and maintaining your network in way that is most helpful to you is a far better strategy.”

Dunbar’s number is a theory that 150 is the largest network we can actively and cognitively maintain, she says.

“There are cognitive limits on how many people we can maintain, and this really has an evolutionary origin. Over time, as we were trying to grow into a larger society we needed to be able to know who had our back, who was likely to enforce our common norms and social rules as a result we became able to monitor particularly through gossip a large network.

But it turns out that network has limits and we see this again and again; whether it’s the size of army units, organisational units, 150 is the upper limit of the number of connections we can actively maintain.”

That hasn’t changed since the advent of social media, but what has changed is the number of people we can recall, King says.

When it comes to networks most people can be categorised as one of three types, King says - expansionists, brokers or convenors

Expansionists have large networks.

“You can find out by asking how many people you know called Emily and how many people you know called Alan.

“if you know one Emily and one Alan the size of your network is probably around 900 people in general people know around 650 people … expansionists will know two, three, four Emilys and Alans - they have extraordinarily large network in the thousands.”

Brokers tend to straddle different social worlds, she says.

"They may work closely with engineers, but also speak to people in sales.”

Brokers, she says, are often good at making impromptu speeches on things they know nothing about, they tend to be innovative, creative and have more work-life balance.

Convenors’ friends tend to be friends with one another, King says.

“They tend to focus on maintaining relationships that have a lot of depth and as a result they have a lot of trust and reciprocity in their network and they also tend to have more social support and better mental health.”

Personality does not necessarily predetermine what kind of network we have, she says. And the nature of those networks can change as we move through different stages of life.

“Our networks are largest when we’re 25 so people tend to be expansionist early on. Brokerage is often most beneficial mid-career later in life. Convenor is more beneficial from a professional perspective and also on a personal level.”

One of our most common anxieties is attending a party and she says research conducted with people wearing sensors showed we fall into familiar patterns.

“If you’re like me you walk in and see what seems like a wall of people, but people don’t form walls they tend to form small groups.”

People tend to gravitate to someone they already know or to people that look like them, she says.

“We are trying to find safety in an uncertain situation.”

That means the benefit of connecting with people we may not have met already is lost. But she has a strategy for those awkward first moments at a party.

“The best thing to do is look for an odd numbered group, there’s someone in that conversation who is looking for a conversational partner.”

It is known as the cocktail party effect, she says.

“Our ears tend to hone in on one single voice, in an odd number group there will be someone looking for someone to talk to too.”

There are dangers in withdrawing or shying away from social interactions, she says.

“We are fundamentally social beings we are built by nature to be social.

“If we don’t fulfill that basic need we are really missing out on a lot of joy and a lot of happiness.”