When English writer CS Lewis wrote that "friendship has no survival value" he wasn't quite correct, says science journalist Lydia Denworth.
Friendship is, in fact, as important for your physical health as diet and exercise, she tells Jesse Mulligan.
Photo: Unsplash / Archie Binamira
We used to think friendship was cultural – a sort of byproduct or extra benefit of human evolution, Denworth says, but it turns out the 'survival of the friendliest' is a thing.
Social bonds – or a lack of them – affect our cardiovascular system, our immune system, our susceptibility to viruses and inflammation, our mental health, our risk of dementia and even how long our cells live, so basically everything.
Loneliness is subjective – Denworth defines it as a mismatch between how much social connection you have and how much you want – but it can have negative effects particularly on our blood pressure, immune system and cognitive health.
"This need to come together is a critical piece of how we got to be where we are," she says.
Lydia Denworth Photo: Jessica Barthel
Some people feel the word 'friend' has been devalued by social media, Denworth says, but studies show that most people recognise the difference between their actual friends and Facebook friends.
Generally, people say about 30 to 40 percent of their Facebook friends are true friends.
Healthwise, the biggest difference for your biological and mental health is between having zero and one, she says.
She gives the three characteristics of true friendship as: long-lasting, positive and co-operative.
"If you're going to be a good friend, you're going to be a steady, reliable presence in someone's life, you're going to be a positive force - you make them feel good and they make you feel good. And it's co-operative, which means there's reciprocity, there's give and take."
'Long-lasting' may be a mark of true friendship, but that doesn't mean you have to stick with the same friends you've had when you were young, she says.
Over time, people grow apart, drift apart, live too far apart and just… change.
Your true friends are the ones who make you feel good.
"Ambivalent relationships – where there's plenty of good but there's also some bad – those are not good for you, the good does not outweigh the bad. A lot of us hang on to those but it's not such a good idea."
People often ask Denworth if there's a way to painlessly "un-friend" someone, and she's sorry to say there isn't.
Basically you have a choice – work to make the relationship better via hard conversations, drop it entirely or devote less emotional time to the person.
"It is normal and healthy to want the relationships around you to be healthy and happy ones that make you feel good.
"Prioritise your friends, be a good friend… and then you should get the same back."
Lydia Denworth is the author of Toxic Truth and I Can Hear You Whisper. Her most recent book is Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond.
