138 Dates: an epic journey to finding true love

From Sunday Morning, 5:28 pm on 15 August 2021

New Zealand entrepreneur Rebekah Campbell seemingly had it all -- she was the founder of a hot startup, had delivered a Ted talk, and was named a Woman of Influence.

But she didn't have love, and she wanted to start a family.

So Rebekah set out on an epic adventure that would see her date 138 different men from Sydney to New York, despite not having been on a date in 10 years.

At the end of it all, she gained a new man - and also wrote a book about the experienced, titled, 138 Dates: The true story of one woman's search for everything, finding love, and what she learned along the way.

New Zealand author Rebekah Campbell

New Zealand author Rebekah Campbell Photo: Supplied

She spoke to Sunday Morning about the experience about the similarities between dating and business and why it's important to persevere.

"In business, I know that I'm not the most strategic and smartest businessperson but I am very good at sticking at things," she said. "If I set myself a goal, I'll generally follow through and I'll figure things out as I go."

So she set an initial goal to go on one date every week for a year.

"I figured if I had 52 shots in a year, I wanted to try and make sure that the people I was investing in, who I was having those dates with, were the most likely candidates."

After signing up for various dating apps, Rebekah thought about what she was looking for and created a filtering process - but the ideals she had in mind at first would eventually seem less important.

"I learned that I was looking for the wrong things," she said. "So my initial list was smart, tall and fun. I kind of debunked all of those attributes as I went through the process of 138 dates - the first one being tall."

She came to this realisation after going on a date with a surgeon who would only dates blondes and wouldn't date women under 35.

"I was 35 at that point and I just thought how superficial, I can't control my hair colour. And then I realized that looking for height as a criteria is actually the same thing.

"Then I went and saw my therapist and told her I made this realisation and she laughed and I remember her saying, nice is good to come home to."

Before meeting anyone for a date, she insisted on talking on the phone first - which turned out to be an important part of her filtering process.

"There were some not particularly nice characters, some slightly creepy characters, and I could weed them all out on the phone and that was great, because it's very easy to click hang up, much easier than walking away in a restaurant."

The process of dating also became a process of self-improvement for Rebekah.

"For me, more than 50 percent was about being a better person, someone who could have a long term relationship and someone who could love and understand what a relationship was about."

Rebekah Campbell's latest book 138 Dates

Rebekah Campbell's latest book 138 Dates Photo: Supplied

After dating a New South Wales senator, she realised status was one of the factors she needed to let go of,

"This was very exciting for me, even though we had different political affiliations and quite different values, the idea of dating a senator was quite sparkly and exciting," she said.

As they started to get to know each other, Rebakah said she went down a "rabbit hole" of imagining their future life together - going so far that she even considered reserving domain names for their future children. But it didn't work out.

"Afterwards my friend gave me some very good advice about mistakes that women can make when they're looking for a relationship and it's to look at what's missing in you that you're trying to fill in dating another person.

"And for me, it was around status and that I felt somehow that maybe I wasn't inherently likeable enough just by being myself so I had to have something else, whether that be a tech company or dating a senator, it's a good status symbol ."

She came to realise that what she was looking for was a great partner and a great love, but not necessarily status. And despite a number of unsuccessful dates, she kept going.

"In this case, it was easier to persevere because I wanted it so much. I was so sure that I wanted love in my life," she said.

"I kept thinking about myself as an 80 year old woman looking back on my life and thinking I want this 80-year-old woman to be able to look back and go well she gave it a really good shot, she gave it everything she had.

"The other thing I started saying is, there's a guy out there and I'm going to make him really happy and I'm going to find him. And I never gave up hope on that."

And in the end, after 138 dates, the hope paid off and she found the man for her -- Rod, a lecturer in education and a former teacher -- although she hesitates to call him perfect.

"I don't think there is necessarily this thing called the perfect man and I was looking for the perfect man."

Partway through the process, her therapist gave her some sage advice.

"She said the reason I liked that plan is because you are going to meet 52 different men and I see so many women only date three or four and then they say well there's no one out there for me, they're all losers.

"But if you meet 52 you'll get comparative data. So you'll know when you meet a good one because you know the market."

By the time she met Rod, Rebekah said she had "given up trying to be impressive or trying to second guess what anybody would want and I was just completely myself" - and this turned out to work in her favour.

"I remember thinking this is a really good man and I don't know how this is going to go, but I feel like this guy is it and I'm going to make this work. It was a decision and we've been very happily together ever since."

Today, they have two children and live together in Wellington.

As for advice for those hoping to find their own great love, Rebekah has a tip, with a bit of a business flavour.

"You are just a product with a set of unique features and someone out there is going to want exactly you. There's nothing wrong with the product, you're not faulty in any way, it's just that you haven't found the right match yet. So you need to find someone who's looking for you."

And of course, she encourages others to keep trying,

"I hope that it can give them encouragement to keep going with it, because what I found at the end is so incredible.

"I really want to encourage other people to stick at it and to look at what are the things that are getting in the way and ... remove some of those things that might be getting in the way for them, so it can speed up their path."