We've been fed a model of parenting that feels awful and doesn't work, says a US psychologist.
Dr Becky Kennedy is the author of Good Inside which looks at common scenarios facing parents, including sibling rivalry, separation anxiety and tantrums.
She has 1.6 million followers on Instagram @drbeckyatgoodinside
Photo: supplied by Harper Collins NZ
The philosophy underpinning her parenting is support, but not permissiveness, she says.
"When our kid, let's say, hits their sibling. Of course, they need us to step in. Of course, they need us to set a boundary, not because they're a bad kid, but because they're a good kid having a hard time, they need us to stop them, to protect them.
“But then if we say; ‘go to your room, no TV for a week’ What we're really saying to them is, I have no way to help you. I don't know how to give you skills to help you change. All I'm going to do when you're having a hard time is add blame and shame and distance.”
She uses the analogy of teaching children to swim.
“Kids don't know how to swim … but we don't punish them for not swimming.
“And because they can't swim it's not like we throw them into the ocean. We say okay, we start small, we build skills. It's going to take time to develop and then slowly they'll become a stronger swimmer so that they can do something like swimming in the ocean, we teach them skills, we don't punish them for not having skills.”
A tantrum over a toy can be handled in a similar way, she says.
“Your five-year-old and your three year old are playing with blocks. And all of a sudden you see your five-year-old, grab the block from their sibling’s hand.”
Step one is getting in between the children to make sure they’re safe, she says.
“What I'm then saying to both kids is I am here, I am your pilot through this turbulence, you are children, you seem to not yet have the skill to manage wanting something and not having it that is frustrating.”
The next day, she suggests, playing with the child one on one.
“I'm gonna play blocks with you today. And I'm gonna have your favourite big rectangle block and I want us to practise taking a deep breath, and you moving your body away from me.
“Because the next time you want something, if you take a deep breath and move your body away, guess what, you won't end up hitting the person. And then I actually practise that, just the way we practise swimming with kids in a training pool.”
Teaching emotion regulation, she says, requires listening without emotion on the part of the parent.
“So, my kid says, ‘you've never listened to me’, and it feels like they're saying you're a horrible, cold, awful mother who doesn't know what they're doing. Even though they didn't say that, but it feels like that.
“And if we don't manage that feeling and that interpretation, then no amount of memorising any script, or any strategy will do us any good.”
At such times she suggests memorising this mantra:
I'm a good parent. And this is a tricky moment.
“In that way, you're really separating the moment from your goodness as a person, because as soon as your goodness feels called into question, you will not listen to anything your child is saying, you will become extremely defensive and angry, because you feel like you have to defend yourself at all costs.”
It’s important to not avoid difficult conversations with children, she says.
“Something I tell parents a lot is information doesn't scare kids as much as the absence of information scares kids.”
What's terrifying to a child is noticing changes in their environment and being left alone without guidance, she says.
“Why is nobody talking to me? I keep hearing climate change, climate change, or I keep hearing death, cancer Aunt Maude, death, cancer, Aunt Maude and funeral.”
That is particularly anxiety provoking for a child, she says.
“I think all of us, at any age actually, appreciate people naming hard truths to us, if it's in the context of a loving, safe relationship.
The answer to my kid’s questions is probably the truthful answer. My kid can tell when I'm beating around the bush.”
