Relationships can be tough, and Abbey and Money Singh have faced more challenges than a lot of young couples.
Abbey is originally from Scotland and came to New Zealand when she was 11. Money was just four when he arrived from India.
The pair met in their late teens while working at The Warehouse and started dating - secretly, because it was frowned upon in Money's culture.
They overcame his parents' objections, and a video of their spectacular nuptials were posted to YouTube - where it quickly went viral.
Abbey and Money about a year before Money's parents knew of their relationship. Photo: Supplied
They're now well-known as The Modern Singhs, with 1.49 million viewers around the world.
They have also just released a book documenting their journey, The Modern Singhs: The True Story of a Marriage of Two Cultures.
Both faced their fair share of trials and tribulations before fate brought them together and they fell in love.
At the age of about 12, Money was sent back to India for a year after going down the wrong path.
It was a life-changing experience, he says, in which he rediscovered his roots and recognised his parent’s sacrifices.
And for the first time, he felt like an outsider.
“I was like wow, I’m Punjabi born and bred, and I’m feeling like an outsider in my own country just because the way I was speaking was differently, people looked at me differently because I had left India at a young age and we had to let go of our passports because that was the situation when you wanted to get the New Zealand visa.”
Attending a cousin's Jaggo about 10 months before they were married. Photo: Supplied
It was a feeling that resonated with Abbey. She had it tough in New Zealand’s schools and developed depression through her last years of high school.
“I think was quite naïve when I first arrived, [thinking] not much was going to change, I was just excited about the sunny beaches and warm weather.
“Then when I started school, I realised oh my accent sounds funny to everyone else, and oh my skin is so pale, that you know people were referring to me as a ghost. I definitely felt like an odd one out sometimes.”
Reaching the breaking point and not knowing how to move forward, she sought professional help and it changed her completely, she says.
“It was hard at the time but it’s good, it pushed me to build character in myself and accept myself for who I was.”
As she was moving forward with life, she met Money and it “literally could not have come at a better time of my life, because from day one, all he’s done is push me to be the best I can be and if it wasn’t for him I probably wouldn’t have gotten into uni and done my studies.”
Money proposed in Scotland, but the official engagement photographs were done in New Zealand. Photo: Supplied
Money made the first move after the pair shared a bit of back and forth banter at work. Months later, Abbey suggested it was time to let his parents know about their relationship.
“I didn’t realise necessarily how much of a big deal it would be, I just thought ‘you should just tell your parents, what’s the worst that could happen?’ And I quickly realised it was a much bigger deal than I thought it was.”
Money explains that traditional arranged marriages in India will mostly involve the two interested families arranging an engagement rather than the potential couple meeting together.
“They don’t like the daughter and son to meet each other [at that stage] just because they don’t want to create a look in the society that ‘hey, these people are already engaged’. So it’s always done behind the scenes first.
“In our case, I was the first one to get married in the whole family, I’m the oldest child so that was already a big influence on how my wedding is supposed to go and the fact that I’ve got a love marriage and she’s not even from the Indian community, that was heavy on my parents.
“My parents were not seeing where I was coming from just because it’s always about what the society will say – what our uncles and aunties and families and relatives will say? - and that’s very important in our communities.”
At the Mahiyn (Vatna), the first of their Indian wedding events. The bride and groom are covered in yoghurt and tumeric paste, a ritual to cleanse and purify you before your big day. Photo: Supplied
Trusting in his mother, he confessed to her about his relationship, but she shut him down as soon as he told her he was dating.
“She told me ‘you’re not going to get a love marriage at all Money, forget it, we’re going to take you to India and we’re going to do an arranged marriage’.”
Even Abbey didn’t know the full extent of Money’s struggle until they started writing their book.
“Some stuff I didn’t even find out until we were writing the book and I was like ‘wait, that happened?’ like about his dad not eating.”
Despite the rejection, Abbey was keen to show a willingness to embrace Money’s culture and religion and studied them further.
“I knew that if they ever did accept [the relationship], that this was something really, really important to them, that they had a daughter in law who kind of understood the culture.
“By doing that, I’m really glad that I did, because when they finally did agree to meet me, I came with a like a religious painting from Money’s religion and I think that’s honestly what won me over in Money’s mum’s mind.”
Abbey and Money's Anand Karaj. Photo: Supplied
The Singhs had four ceremonies, with Money’s parents fully organising the Indian one to ensure that no-one from the extended family would lambast them for their son’s decision.
“My parent were very stressed on the day because they did not want to hear that from the relatives but it was very beautiful, my parents organised everything … my mum flew back to India and she got all the jewellery and dresses and it was honestly amazing, we look at those wedding videos to this day.”
The European wedding was an eye-opener for Money, who realised just how much detail went into it because this time he was involved in the decision-making.
“In the European wedding, we had a structure like we knew at this time we’re going to do this, and we did a pre-wedding prep.
“Whereas in the Indian wedding, we had no prep and I did not even tell Abbey and the family that ‘hey, you might have to stand up and do these things’ … and bless all of them they all did it without any issues and they were just fabulous.”
Abbey says she had a lot of fun through the wedding ceremonies, despite it being tiring.
The couple's European wedding, with Abbey's mum Theresa and stepfather, Mike. Photo: Supplied
For their relatives all over the world who could not attend, they decided to put up a video online so everyone could watch.
“We literally had no intention that anyone would ever see them then just one day, we just happened to go online and saw that one of the videos was like at 10,000 views and the next day at 30,000 and then I think it got past a million and we just thought this is crazy,” Abbey says.
“People really wanted to see more, they were commenting, we want to see you guys do vlogs, we’d love to know more about your lives, we’re so interested.
“Then we figured it’d be crazy not to jump on that opportunity and see where it takes us and we still can’t believe ‘til this day that it’s taken us this far.”
Abbey believes one of the biggest aspects that draws viewers in is her relationship with her mother in law.
“We always post those really nice videos of just how much we do get along and how much we’re willing to compromise with each other and not just with her, with the whole family, how much compromises happen on both sides and how much love and understanding is there.”
And the couple are completely open about all of their journey together, including going through post-partum depression after the birth of their first child, Noah.
“We share all the parts, the good, the bad, the ugly and I think it’s so important these days especially to be open about mental health and be honest, it can be really easy to see videos online and assume we have this perfect happy life,” Abbey says.
They now also have a daughter, Hazel. But while raising children, cross-cultural challenges came to the front again.
Money says they went through one of their most difficult times in their relationship.
“Coming from a South Asian community, we never really talked about post-partum depression in my family or I never really knew those things existed until I saw it happening and then even myself experiencing it as a father.
“Just going through it makes you realise how strong those things can be ... but once we talked it through and once we had a better understanding, we’ve never been much stronger than as we are now.”
And if things don’t work out in the long-term with YouTube, which they are doing full-time, their back-up plan is to share their much-admired cultural food.
