We get no training for intimate relationships and often don't look at our own behaviour within them until things go wrong.
Psychologist Karen Nimmo has written a do-it-yourself guide for anyone who wants to better understand their own reactions and vulnerabilities to become – and be a match for – a good partner.
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Photo: Supplied
Couples counselling has always struck psychologist Nimmo as a strange idea. If a relationship has gone sour, often your partner is the last person you feel safe to be vulnerable around, she says.
"Instead, it's really good to turn the spotlight on yourself in a place where you can't be criticised. Don't let your partner read this book over your shoulder while you're doing this. Lend it to them afterwards."
In The Good Partner, Nimmo focuses on seven relationship "pillars" that keep coming up with clients:
- Trust
- Communication issues
- Conflict skills
- Intimacy - physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual
- Sharing the load
- Play
- Kindness
Trust is the most important aspect of a relationship and the betrayal of it is often what brings people to therapy, Nimmo tells Kathryn Ryan.
Often we are too focused on whether our partner is worthy of it, she says.
"We focus a lot on whether we can trust someone else, our partner, but in the end, we can't control that. We can't actually keep tabs on our partner. The more important aspect of trust is being able to trust yourself – your choices, your reactions, how you are in a relationship.
"Self-trust can really help you when it all goes wrong because it helps you to be able to pick up the pieces and then get into another healthy relationship.
"If you can move to trust yourself better that can put you in a much more solid place for being with someone else."
Everyone brings some degree of insecurity into a relationship but some of us - including those who may seem otherwise confident - arrive with big "trust wounds" from their past.
People who are deeply mistrustful find it hard to be content in a relationship, Nimmo says.
Self-analysis can be confronting but the first step in addressing this is trying to understand where your fear is coming from.
Some key questions to ask yourself:
- Who hurt me?
- Who let me down?
- Who did I love and lose?
- How might this have affected the way I love?
- How would I describe myself in a relationship?
Karen Nimmo Photo: Supplied
Everyone feels annoyed and upset by their partner at some time or other. Along with trust issues, communication difficulties are extremely common in relationships, Nimmo says.
Finding your voice and then communicating to your partner what matters to you in a rational way is a very important skill.
"Often we raise the things that matter to us in the heat of the moment… and that leads to, as you can imagine, more conflict because everybody then gets heated and it tends to go round in circles."
If you can feel confident that you're being reasonable in your communication, you'll be in a much stronger position, she says.
"Often our emotions fly out of our box and we are a little bit irrational in the moment. That doesn't help anyone. Also if you can understand yourself then you're in a better place to sit back and see what's going on for your partner.
"Some people are really defensive so the slightest criticism or critique can send someone into a spiral cause they're reminded of their mother who picked on them or a previous relationship… and that defensiveness is really destructive to the relationship because it stops a partner being able to calmly point out something that's upsetting them."
When there's conflict in your relationship, avoid "dirty tactics" such as dwelling in the past and attacking your partner's personality or something they can't change, Nimmo says.
"[Conflict resolution is] about learning to fight fear and fight healthily. Because when you start descending into those dark places you can say things you don't really mean.
"The better you get a handle on [your own triggers], the better you'll be able to spot when your partner is being fair and reasonable."
