20 Oct 2021

Navigating the challenges of a relationship split

From Nine To Noon, 11:32 am on 20 October 2021

When Barbara Relph's 33-year relationship ended, the Auckland writer couldn't find a book with the information and guidance she needed to get through the separation process. 

Now she's written it - Uncoupling: an insider's guide to separation in New Zealand.

Barbara Relph

Barbara Relph Photo: Facebook / Barbara Relph

"I was lonely and I was… bored, I guess. I hadn't been single since I was 17. I had no idea about dating, online or any other way.

"I'd created complete mayhem in my family and I wasn't about to sit there and do nothing. I had no idea if there was anybody out there or if this was even a thing for somebody as old as me."

Quite early on in her online dating exploration, when she was "still very green", barbara matched with a man she really liked and they began messaging all day every day.

A few months into it she found out why the man hadn't made himself available to meet in person - he wasn't single.

Before deleting their message thread, Barbara reviewed what had been said and realised that it documented her coming of age as a single person.

Unemployed at the time, she started writing a fictionalised version of the story as therapy. The resulting "trashy novel" was published in the UK under a pseudonym.

To those getting back into dating, she recommends being clear and assertive about what you're looking for.

"State what you want and need in a really clear and direct way and then stay certain without letting your emotions overwhelm the message."

Barbara says she had a lot of fun on Tinder dates and met a lot of nice people, some of who became good friends.

"For my self-esteem and confidence, it was amazing - a great experience."

Talking to your children about Tinder dates is one thing, but be careful of how much detail you share with kids about your separation, Barbara says.

They need reassurance that it's not their fault and things are going to be okay but they don't need to hear details about the negotiation of assets.

Barbara's children - who were then in their early 20s - were made anxious by getting too much information, she says, and the separation could have gone more smoothly for them if she'd known this then.

"It's natural to want to lean on [your children] a bit but you are still the parent and you shouldn't do that."

When it comes to a financial settlement with a former partner, don't agree to anything until you understand your legal rights, Barbara says, particularly in relation to any property.

A good lawyer you can trust will help you be realistic about what you want and feel you deserve.

"Even though [lawyers are] expensive, they can save you money in the long run.

"You only get one shot at it. And if you're like me - at the end of your working life with little hope of earning much in the future - it really matters what you come out of [the separation] with."