Parenting - supporting tweens and teens to healthy adulthood

From Nine To Noon, 11:25 am on 26 August 2021

Parenting tweens and adolescents can be difficult territory, even more so in a pandemic.

An Australian clinical psychologist and GP have combined their years of experience working with families to write a practical parenting guide - The New Teen Age.

teenage girl laughing

Photo: Zibik / Unsplash

The New Teen Age

Photo: Allen & Unwin

The New Teen Age is specifically designed to help parents, step-parents and carers support today's tweens and teens to become healthy happy adults, Lamble says.

Parenting is constantly changing in this "new age" and boundaries might look a bit different.

“They need to know that there are boundaries, but they also need to be able to learn to develop and let go because we are just there helping them transition into adulthood.”

If your child is acting appropriately and following rules, it’s fitting to allow them some privacy online, she says.

“But if you're concerned, if you're thinking ‘well, some of the decisions you're making aren't safe, there's risky behaviour here, I am concerned’ so then for their safety you're saying … ‘I think we need to share passwords or be friends online, just for a period until we know you're safe again’. 

“It's just showing [teens] our main aim is just to keep you safe and we're going to do whatever we can to do that. But we also know you need your freedom, your privacy, your independence, and we're all working towards that same goal.”

When discussing tech use with children, Mansberg recommends parents focus on the Five Cs outlined in The New Teen Age – connection, compassion, confidence, competence, and collaboration.

“Instead of trying to control them and control access to their apps, try and keep that connection strong.

“You’re like the trainer wheels on the bike, gradually loosening your rails and loosening your controls, so that they have a really good framework to use.

“The apps that they're using are changing quicker than the wind. You can't keep up with it … having tech in their life is just inevitable.”

woman on mobile phone

Photo: freestocks / Unsplash

Mansberg doesn’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule on the best age for a child to get a smartphone, because each will have different needs and behaviour.

Setting up a contract with your teen in which they agree to forfeit their phone for a period if they break the rules around using it can be a constructive way to go, Lamble says.

“Things in the contract you can put ‘you've got to agree that the phone will be out of your room at night, you've got to agree that you don't post photos in school uniform’ or ‘you don't post photos of anyone without their permission, that you only have friends online that you know in real life’.

“Put in the contract that ‘before you post anything, have a think about whether you're about to make someone else feel bad about themselves and only post things that you're happy for another parent or a teacher or a principal or a future employer to see.”

It’s important teenagers don’t feel victimised by punishment relating to tech use or see it as unnecessary, Mansberg says.

“This has got to be a learning opportunity for them, but they also need to understand that there are pretty big consequences for their behaviour.

“What we're trying to do is, rather than trying to control them and prevent them from ever making mistakes … we want them to make as small a mistake as possible, learn from that, and then grow.”