We don’t need to swap out the friends we have for new ones, what we need to do is work on the relationships we’ve got, says Shasta Nelson, founder and CEO of US friend matching agency Girlfriend Circles.com
Her books include Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness and Friendships Don't Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girl Friends.
Photo: eberhard grossgasteiger / Unsplash
Nelson says we need a level of intimacy with our close friends far more than our romantic relationships.
“I define frientimacy as any relationship where both people feel seen in a safe and satisfying way.”
Consistency, positivity and vulnerability are key to healthy relationships, she says.
This means feeling good being around the other person, spending time together and feeling seen by them.
Nelson teaches people that positivity is foundational in relationships.
“I always say, my job description as a friend is to make sure the other person leaves feeling better about themselves and their lives for having been in my presence.”
When our friends share something or are vulnerable with us, it's important we think of a response that leaves them feeling good and accepted, Nelson says.
“Usually that is not giving advice… not one-upping them…not taking control of the conversation and sharing my own story.”
In this scenario you should be empathetic, compassionate and express that you enjoy their company, she says.
While we can choose our friendships, we can’t choose our family.
It’s likely we can’t choose our co-workers and neighbour’s either.
“We see that 70 percent of our happiness comes down to these four quadrants.”
A study out of the University of Kansas has found when moving to a new city, it takes about 40 to 60 hours before we consider someone a casual friend. It found it takes people about 200 hours before we feel someone is a best friend.
“The point is that it takes time and consistency, that interaction and history building, that time together is one of the three requirements of relationships.”
It’s daunting because time is the thing most of us feel we don’t have, she says.
“We felt like friendships happened easier in school and it wasn’t that it was automatic, it’s that our consistency was automatic.”
It’s why we make friends in the workplace, or why parents make friends with other parents.
We tend to walk away from our friendships we’ve invested time in already and it’s often better to work out how to make these work then starting from scratch with someone new, she says.
How loved and supported do you feel right now? Nelson asks.
On a scale of one to ten, ten being completely loved and supported, we’re twice as likely to score a one or two than nine or ten, she says. The vast majority of people would score six or below on the scale.
Nelson says the profile of a lonely person today is not a recluse that you never see, it’s actually someone who’s working with people all day long, engaging and caring for other people, someone with a lot of friends but who doesn’t feel seen or supported in a meaningful way.
“Loneliness is your body telling you you have more capacity to be loved and love in this life.”
Sometimes we shame ourselves if we’re lonely, she says.
“When we feel lonely, that is not a bad message, it’s only bad if we ignore if and continue not to get that need met.”
When making new friends, she says everyone has a fear of being rejected.
“We can’t wait to feel good about it, what we have to do is value that intimacy and that connection on the other side of it more than we value the fear.
“We will never get close to somebody if we can’t get past that, because consistency takes courage.”
