Negging, breadcrumbing, love bombing, gaslighting... for years, comedian and actor Maddy Anholt experienced it all from the men she dated who at first seemed charming before they turned nasty.
Finally, she discovered these guys all had one thing in common - they fitted the clinical definition of a psychopath.
Anholt shares her experiences in the book How to Leave Your Psychopath: The Essential Handbook for Escaping Toxic Relationships.
Maddy Anholt Photo: supplied
One of Anholt's exes, Damien, was a cheater and gaslighter who almost broke her spirit, she tells Jesse Mulligan.
“Finding out at the very end of it all the extent of cheating that had been happening, and yet for those number of years, I really did think, by the end, I am paranoid, I am totally needy.
“In my line of work, where you've got to be courageous, you've got to be confident, you've got to be charismatic, all of that was stripped from me because of the emotional abuse that I went through with him.”
She says it was partly hormones that kept her attached to these toxic men and trapped in a cycle of abuse.
"When someone says ‘why don't you just leave him?’ ... what we're talking about here is what I call a hormonal Helter Skelter.
“It's a chemical dependency [I had] on these people. When you leave or when you're without them [it feels the same] as going cold turkey from pretty hard drugs.”
'Distinguish, devalue, discard' are the three stages of an intimate relationship for controlling people such as Damien, Anholt says.
“Distinguish - they'll make you feel like the only person in the world. They’ll [then] devalue using negging, using isolation, using gaslighting. And then at some point, you don't know when, they will discard you.”
After that comes the ‘hoovering’ -“which is when basically they try and get you back, just for the sake of a little bit of ego massage".
After six months of being 'hoovered' by Damien, Anholt finally said enough’s enough.
“I'd had that small bit of space I needed and [he] was furious. What I'm saying to you is I don't mean just mean a little raised voice, I'm talking terror, I'm talking proper terrorisation here, intimidation to the max.
“And when you've had however many years of paranoia, and all of the other things we've mentioned, it's a very difficult thing to deal with. And it's a terrifying place to be.”
Photo: Bluebird
Anholt felt like she was receiving a “hug of belief" when she started going to therapy and embarking on research for her book.
“I hope my book feels like that for people who read it and go, ‘Oh, it's not all been in my head. This has been happening. This is exactly what's been happening in my life.”
When you first meet a potential partner there are some red flags to look out for, she says.
“First of all, trust your instincts. But secondly to flip that question when you're on a date with somebody... instead of saying 'how do I feel about them?' Ask 'how did they make me feel about myself?'
“When you just turn that question on its head, things like negging will come out of the woodwork.”
Anholt recalls a first date where the guy asked her what she did for work.
“I said ‘I'm a comedian’ and he looked at me and very slowly went, ‘My god, that is one of the most unattractive jobs for a female I've ever heard'."
She came away from the date feeling terrible.
“I began to like realise after these dates, oh my God, I feel awful about myself. I'm coming away from them just trying to make sure he's having a good time but feeling really rubbish.”
After learning how to spot a controlling personality and walk away, Anholt is now in a strong, healthy relationship.
“I did the work. And one of the biggest [pieces] was writing the book. So that helped me massively.
"I have to say it took me I'd say six to eight years to really step back and realise what happened. And then I realised when you find... and I'm not going to say the right person, because I don't believe there is a right person in that way. But when you find someone who meets you where you are, who doesn't want to change you, the one word to describe it is 'easy'.
“You don't need to walk into a room and feel that sense of terror or tension or paranoia. You don't need to change yourself for them. You don't need to make them happy above your own feelings and interests.”
"So yeah, I mean, thankfully, I was able to find the person who met me where I was, and it was just easy."
Definitions:
Negging - Criticism masked as compliments, i.e. “They could say 'hey, you looked great yesterday with a bit less makeup. I mean, you look fine today, but I'm just saying you did look better yesterday.’"
Isolation: “Your friends and family don't like them and they turn you against them. So eventually, it's population two - you and them.”
Love bombing: “They sweep you off your feet with overblown romantic gestures only to hold them against you later.”
Breadcrumbing: “They will give you hints and tips of good things that they're going to do for you, that never actually happen.”
Gaslighting: “[This is] essentially a technique that is used against you so that you don't trust your own version of reality."
